Funniest Who's Line Ever

Romance and Shadows

Fun experimenting with your shadow...

First Football Game

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, get the quarter back."

Family of Three

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I
have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said,
"Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."

Students Answers

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "hijklo".

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O."

Labor

In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night. A doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Enus,"
said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I
think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
young man... It seems there's yet another one besides," cried the
doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
"Do ye think it's der light that's attractin' em?"

Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes
an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my own birthday
present instead of making you and dad shop for me."

"But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature has to
suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think that's kind of
cruel?"

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill
for a couple of weeks."

Anatomy Class

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class; "Who can tell
me which organ of the human body expands to 10
times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his
way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

"Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to
complain to my parents, who will complain to the
principal, who will have you fired."

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the
class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,
"Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it's clear that you have
not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one
day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Family Trip

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in
Colorado, flying to Denver and renting a car. We visited the Royal
Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River.

Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind. Then a
car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally
said.

"What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental."

Annual Checkup

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc
asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year,
because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding
recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You
probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the
last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

New Job

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of
an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their
pets.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the
shelf. The next week the same thing happened.

That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine
behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.

"Tricky," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting
your bones up there?"

Help Wanted Ads

Ever look at the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean?
Here is our guide to Job Search Lingo.

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been
filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do
it.

The Seven Dwarves of Menopause

Tooth Pulling

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want
a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. "You're a brave
woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife
turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist
which tooth it is, dear."

Updated Proof of Global Warming

More Proof of Global Warming
Newer Scientific Information

Comparing Wives

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of
them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't
let me do any work around the house. It's great."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

Composer

A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely
dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, "Man, you look real down.
Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps."

"Well, I doubt it," replied the man. "You see, I'm a composer who
hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me.
Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I cant get any
music publishers interested, and I've been to them all."

The bartender suggested, "Well' let's hear it. Try it out on the
crowd."

The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so
incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet
except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps
appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music
penetrates the very soul of all those present. When he finishes
playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked,
"I cant believe you can't get that published. That has to be the most
beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?"

"I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me,
You Witch'" the musician replied.

How to Install a New Sense of Humor

New technology can be helpful . . . or not

Moving to London

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to
university in London. So he packed his bags and said goodbye to his
mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding
up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students
are the oddest people ever. Why the boy who lives in the dormitory
room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every
night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight
every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until
midnight every night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother.

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up
until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway."

Choosing The Right Get Well Card

The first step is to determine how you feel about the person

A YOUNG WOMANS TROUBLES

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

High School and College Reunion Ideas

First Drink is Free

Circus

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his
skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze
you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms
wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops
upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and
gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says,
"Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

Little Billy

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

My Manager Says

A magazine was looking for people to submit quotes from their
real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day. We've been working on it
for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Marketing executive,
Citrix Corporation)

This memo is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding
the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was
working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If
I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Things to ponder

1. Is there another word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF

* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.

At the Hospital

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing
God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live".

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and  change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the
ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

THE MONKEY AND LIZARD

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard looks up from the ground and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to go get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. He asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting, smoking joints with a monkey in a tree and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting (finishing another joint), and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuude! How much water did you drink?!"

In-Flight Conversation

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out
a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know doo-doo?"

Oldie but a goodie

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Mom! It's The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Costume Party

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail," says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle."

State Capitol

A woman got on a bus in Indianapolis. She told the driver she wanted to go to the State Capitol building. At every stop, she rushed up to the driver and asked, "Is this the State Capitol?"

After annoying the driver with the same question a dozen times, she asked "How will I know when we are at the State Capitol?"

And the driver answered, "By the smile on the my face!"

Synagogue Bulletin Bloopers

These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

2. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Abe Weiss.

3. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

4. The Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

5. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will
come forward and get a piece of paper.

6. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.

7. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising
campaign slogan... "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.


NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

Writing Assignment

The college class was told they had to write a 'short story' in as few words as possible.
The story must contain the following three components:
     (1)Religion
     (2)Sexuality
     (3)Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. It read as follows...

Good God. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

Patience

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.

"He's a magician," said the new boy.

"How exciting. What's his best trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"How impressive. Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yep... one half brother and two half sisters."

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

* You fall off the floor.

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

* Job interfering with your drinking.

* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!

* You can focus better with one eye closed.

* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?

* Roseanne looks good.

* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.

* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.

* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.

* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.

* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.

* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.

* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"

* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.

Cup of coffee for grandmother

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

Guy goes to his eye doctor

Guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children



Good friends are like stars....you don't always see them, but you know they are always there....

The Love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning, but not its end....

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those sh!t heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

Don't tease little old ladies!

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
He!!, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b@stard.

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Who's getting older?

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look That Old?" Well......you'll Love This One!

I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-oddyears Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.

Hmmm .......or Could He???

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School. "yes. Yes, I Did. I Had A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.

He Answered, "in 1965. Why Do You Ask?"

"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.

Then, That Ugly, Old, Wrinkled Son-of-a-b_____ Asked,

"what Did You Teach?"

The Dear John Letter

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

LESSON IN MARRIAGE

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat..."Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said 'Here try these on.'

So, she did and said 'These are too big. I can't wear them'.

So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill "Here try these on."

She does & says "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family & I always will and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack & says, "Here you try on mine."

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.


"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra.

Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Ol' Fred

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

Handbag (Video)

Top 10 Police Come backs

1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You". We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary! Or "Well, I pay taxes too... so technically I pay my own salary in a way... so don't worry about paying for me to write this ticket, this one's on me."

3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of Smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is Extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Award Shows

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.

I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Prisons

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Fabric Softener

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory.

You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Ads In Bills

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.

I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."