SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
* You fall off the floor.
* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?
* Roseanne looks good.
* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.
* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.
* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.
* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.
* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.
* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.
* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.
* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"
* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.
* You fall off the floor.
* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?
* Roseanne looks good.
* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.
* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.
* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.
* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.
* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.
* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.
* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.
* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"
* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.
posted by D. Maria at 5:44 AM
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