Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Slogan of the Day
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
In my next life, I want to be rich, not beautiful.
If you're against logging, try wiping your butt with plastic toiletpaper.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way,when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have theirshoes.
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My Border Collie Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student
Sticks and stones may brake my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus
Its nice to be important but important to be nice.
Horn Broken - Watch For Finger
I'm a perfect princess, the world just hasn't figured it out yet.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
“C”s don't get the keys.
God made some perfect heads, the others he put hair on.
Just because God loves you doesn't mean the rest of us do!
I found something that can do the work of 7 men...one woman.
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
If life deals you lemonade, than you should make margaritas.
1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??
Get high on our milk - our cows eat grass.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Truce is better than friction.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
Why is there never enough time to do it right, but always enough time to do it over?
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
We put the fun in dysfunctional.
If you pay peanuts, you'll get a monkey.
My karma ran over my dogma.
Different Circus, Same Clowns
I spent more time trying to remember what I wasn't supposed to forget.
Support mental health...or... I'll kill you!"
News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising....
The best thing about hating people is that I never run out of great ideas.
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The driver of this car is legally blind.
Driver carries no cash: He's married!
Don't worry, it will only SEEM kinky the first time.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
He's not d-e-a-d. Just think of him as electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If you are gonna be dumb, you better be tough.
My anger management class pisses me off!
I'm a menace to sobriety.
The more I find out about men, the more I like my dog!
Taking the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful... Hate me 'cause your boyfriend thinks I am!
I used to be vain, but now I'm perfect!
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me!
How do I know men are idiots? I married their king!
Shhhh.... this is the sound of no one caring what you think.
Good Girls Are BAD Girls That Never Get Caught!
I'm that driver the DMV warned you about.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
DIVORCE: The screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
My kid sold your honor student the answers to the test.
I may look old on the outside, but I'm frisky on the inside.
Arrive Alive, Hang Up and Drive!
The way to avoid certain failure? Stay in bed!
Hire a teenager while they still know everything.
Why be down and out when you can be up and in?
Keep Smiling, Everyone Loves A Moron.
Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks your a moron.
I do not have a superiority complex, I am superior!
Men are idiots and I married their king!
Some of us are here, because we're not all there!
Never drive faster than your guardian Angel can fly!
Never leave your toothbrush unattended with an angry woman.
I never get lost, everybody tells me where to go.
Maturity: That point in time where those things you once valued the least you now cherish the most!
51% Sweetheart, 49% Pain in the Butt, SO DON'T PUSH IT!!!!
If it's called tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Happiness is seeing my ex-husband's picture on the back of a milk carton!
Age ain't nothing but a number... And mine ain't listed!
Love is like gas -- it passes.
CAUTION: This car stops at all bars.
A woman is like a tea bag. You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Save a horse ... ride a cowboy!
I don't have blonde moments, I have a blonde life.
My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
Save a cow - eat a vegetarian.
Sure God created man first. You have to create a rough draft before you create the masterpiece.
I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.
Pass With care -- Driver chews tobacco
For a small town, there sure are a lot of idiots here.
Warning: I drive just like you do
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil, you're overdoing it.
What would we do without hypothetical questions?
The only thing more amusing than watching someone go insane is realizing it's a mirror.
My reality check bounced.
Be careful whose toes you step on today. They may be connected to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow.
I might be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Money isn't everything but it keeps the kids in touch.
Your trailer park called - they want their trash back.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Old hippies don't die, they just flash back.
Welcome to California - the land of fruits and nuts.
If money is the root of all evil I want to be bad, bad, bad.
I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
Thank God for the fools, without them the rest of us could not succeed.
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting back in.
Malpractice is better than No practice at all.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship
If I wanted any sass from you, I'd squeeze your head.
You have to be tough if you're going to be stupid.
My dog ate your honor student.
There are 5 things in life that are certain: Taxes, bills, death, birth, and women always finding something to complain about.
I'm not fat, I'm just fluffy.
I could give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
My mind is like a computer. Too much input and it will crash.
Don't get lost in the past searching for the future.
Grow your own dope...plant a man.
The voices in my head say you have a mental problem.
Practical experience is the emotional trauma of going through a foulup.
PMS, Punish Men Severely
Kinky is using a feather, Perverted is using the whole chicken.
You are the kind that is a blueprint for the making of an idiot.
I have plenty of vision and talent, I just don't give a damn.
Not all men are fools, Some are single.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
I'm a vegetarian by choice - I don't love animals, I just hate vegetables.
I've got the perfect body and it's in the trunk and beginning to smell.
I'm not speeding, I'm just flying low.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
** Edited** to add the following:
Monday, March 12, 2007
BILL & HILLARY
Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox-Yankees Game; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and swiftly shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would absolutely love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and! says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people really want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you freakin' asshole!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the First Pitch!"