Phone-In-Polls

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

OMG Bubba

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend, Billy-Bob, for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool.

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside'em. I'm telling ya, man, you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick.

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty, Bubba!" said Billy-Bob. "The tater goes in the front!"

Come Back Lines!?!?!!?

Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?"

Bubba, Junior and the blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.

Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

In Paris

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The old man admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," the French official smirked.

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France," the Frenchman replied incredulously.

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day on June 6,1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

THREE COUPLES

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come
back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Terrible Weather

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door.

He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Communicating With Your Neighbor

What part of this don't you understand?

Fishing

Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

Red Neck Divorce Settlement

Dear Cooter,

Me an Sue Ellen have divorced, the judge gave her the double wide and the pickup.

So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before 2 O'clock, yesterday afternoon! I took a piccure fer proof that I delivered it... Wanted to make sure she found it when she got home!!

How's your day going? See ya later,
Your Buddy, Bubba !

"Git er done!"

For Beer Lovers

Imagine... 500 bottles of ice cold beer

Children

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're 32. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're 26. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're 24."

"Hold on," said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Climbing The Corporate Ladder

How to get ahead at work!


John woke up a after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Need Cash

A bum asked a businessman, "Give me $10 till payday."

The businessman fellow responded, "When's payday?"

The bum said, "I don't know. You're the one that's working."

Bubba And Homer

Redneck Conversations

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.

Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
An I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,

"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

Pearls of Wisdom From GrandPa

A Very Special Grandpa
Pearls of Wisdom!


This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. The grandson writes...

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.

I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."



It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Women Motorcyclists

This custom motorcyle is candy apple red and comfortable

It Just Doesn't Pay To Piss Off A Woman

How True!



She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow end of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.

I love a happy ending, don't you?

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.

Never Be Afraid To Say How You Feel

At a Bar

Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey."

Bad Day at Work

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a Worst Job Experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office; a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats the water to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to you, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"

Psychiatrist's Office

A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a window washer."

Terrible News

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that darn gun...'"

The Dog Bed

Dog Beds come in all sizes and levels of comfort

Fan Man (Adults Only)

One day 3 guys all died at the same time and met up at St. Peters gates.

They were all standing there talking to St. Peter when the first said, "Peter what are all these clocks for?" He motioned to the long wall of clocks behind Peter.

Peter looked back at them and said, "Well, every person on earth has a clock for the duration of their life and this is where theyre kept."

Suddenly a clock jumps forward a whole hour and the first guy bursts out, "What the hell just happened?"

"Oh, well, every time you masterbate you lose an hour of your life."

The first guy looks shocked, "How many years did I lose?"

"You did pretty good, you only lost 2 years of your life."

"Well how much did I lose?" The second guy asks.

"You didnt do hot, you lost 7 years of your life."

The 3rd guys just standing in the back being as quiet as possible.

So the first guy asks for him, "How many years did he lose?"

St. Peter burst out laughing, "Are you kidding me, we use that thing as a ceiling fan!"

Show Me

New Version of an Old Woman doing just that

Iranian Police Women

The Men's Room

New Kind of Spyware (Adults Only)

Secretary Has a Sense of Humor

New Type of Seat Belt

New Type of Seat Belt
Effective Strategies Using Your Seat Belt

The Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say

40. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You all.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

Hot and Humid

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy.

The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June." The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%.

After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy.

The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July." The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks.

So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."

The devil says: "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero.

"Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy.

"What are you so happy about now," ask the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series."

Pure Speculation (Adults Only)

This is Pure Speculation...
But I Think Someone Came Home Early

Hearing Aid

Two elderly neighbors were talking the other day and one said to the other.

"Hey I just bought a new hearing aid the other day, best hearing aid I've ever had, thing cost over $4,000."

"Great. What kind is it?"

"About 12:30"

Common Ailment

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

First Day on the Job

A woman desperately looking for work goes into Irwin Mfg. Co. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in by 8 a.m. the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line, and sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between
Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts dying laughing. Finally, after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

DD

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00. The Patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken," exclaimed the Patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

Beware while Flying

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!! Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.


(SCROLL DOWN TO SEE PICTURE)

NASA Chicken

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist. This is a true story.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 lb dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

French engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the French engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified French sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo.
-- "Defrost the chicken."

Price for Replacement

A lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."

To: God, From: The Dog

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Red coats

We should remember the origins, history and tradition of the uniforms worn with pride by militaries around the world.

For example, a long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. Taking him to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the colonel informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats are so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.

Telemarketer

A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered.

The salesman asked, "May I speak to your mother?"

The little boy answered, "She's not here right now."

The salesman asked, "Well, is anyone else there?"

The boy said, "My sister."

The salesman said, "OK, fine. May I speak to her?"

"I guess so," said the boy.

At this point there was a very long silence on the phone.

Then the boy came back on the phone and said, "Hello?"

"It's you?" asked the salesman, "I thought you were going to call your sister."

"I tried. But I can't get her out of the playpen."

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman:: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer:: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Older Woman: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer:: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Officer 2: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Auto Repair

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Bedtime Reading

Reclassified

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the IT staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over here."

An Old Beer Commercial

Helping Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good. How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart.”

Phone Help

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause.

"I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something."

At the Library

A blonde woman walks into the public library, and slams a book down onto the front desk.

The librarian looks up at her and asks, "Is there something wrong madam?"

"What kind of library are you running here?" she shouts. "This book has no plot, no story, and too many characters."

He smiled, "So your the one who took the phone book."

Letter from Microsoft

Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2000 Redneck Edition may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The redneck edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads Winders 2000 with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver. Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.

Changes in Terminology in Redneck Edition:
OK: ats aw-right
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff dat duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did

In Heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house Jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free," St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago."

New Stress Medicine

You Know You're Too Drunk When...

1) Your job interferes with your drinking.
2) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
3) Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
4) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6) Two hands and just one mouth... - now that’s a drinking problem.
7) You can focus better with one eye closed.
8) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
9) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
10) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner.
11) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
12) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
13) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

Old Alex In The Hospital

Alex was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Alex had just about had enough of this particular nurse. So, one day, Old Alex had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bedside stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice.

So you know where the juice went. The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today."

At this, Old Alex snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted. Old Alex just smiled.

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Doctor's Visit

Patient says, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it."

The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10. I'm desperate. I need $10."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please. I really need $5. Just $5. Please. I'm desperate."

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20. Please lend me $20, please. I am really desperate."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Art Supplies

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Paying Bills

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.

As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."