Paranoid?
My doctor said I was paranoid.
Well, he didn't actually say it,
but I could tell he was thinking it.
Well, he didn't actually say it,
but I could tell he was thinking it.
posted by D. Maria at 6:02 AM
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Restaurant Story
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the head of Mr. Peepee, we can whip it out, piss without touching it, and eliminate the need to wash our hands; shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you piss, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the head of Mr. Peepee, we can whip it out, piss without touching it, and eliminate the need to wash our hands; shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you piss, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
posted by D. Maria at 5:52 AM
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The Old Couple
An elderly couple are making love agains't a fence like they've never made love before.
Arms and legs are in the air.
After 50 mins of this the old lady is gasping for air and goes to her husband, My God dear why couldn't you have been like this 50yrs ago when we were younger.
The husband replys darling 50yrs ago we didn't have an ELECTRIC fence.
Arms and legs are in the air.
After 50 mins of this the old lady is gasping for air and goes to her husband, My God dear why couldn't you have been like this 50yrs ago when we were younger.
The husband replys darling 50yrs ago we didn't have an ELECTRIC fence.
posted by D. Maria at 5:43 AM
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Sunday, February 26, 2006
And Some Say There is No Humor in the Law...
Court Transcripts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? One. He puts the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Court Transcripts
(Actual court transcripts from "Humor in the Court" and "More Humor in the Court" by Mary Louise Gilman, Editor of the National Shorthand Reporter.)
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch, and she did!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Did you kill the victim?
A: No, I did not.
Q: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
A: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Q: Tell us about the fight.
A: I didn't see no fight.
Q: Well, tell us what you did see.
A: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.
Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Lawyer Questions:
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-----------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-----------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? One. He puts the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Court Transcripts
(Actual court transcripts from "Humor in the Court" and "More Humor in the Court" by Mary Louise Gilman, Editor of the National Shorthand Reporter.)
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch, and she did!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Did you kill the victim?
A: No, I did not.
Q: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
A: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Q: Tell us about the fight.
A: I didn't see no fight.
Q: Well, tell us what you did see.
A: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.
Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Lawyer Questions:
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-----------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-----------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
posted by D. Maria at 6:42 AM
|
Signs Written in English Discovered Around the World...
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
~~~
At the office of a Rome doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
~~~
At a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
~~~
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
~~~
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
~~~
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
~~~
Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
~~~
At the office of a Rome doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
~~~
At a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
~~~
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
~~~
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
~~~
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
~~~
Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
posted by D. Maria at 6:12 AM
|
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Household Hints: How to Clean Your Toilet
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
posted by D. Maria at 5:37 AM
|
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor...
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess
posted by D. Maria at 5:04 AM
|
Friday, February 24, 2006
Mom and Dad
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n'Mary."
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n'Mary."
posted by D. Maria at 5:44 AM
|
The Naked Gardener
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.
So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the heck? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the heck? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
posted by D. Maria at 5:22 AM
|
Thursday, February 23, 2006
The Old Man and the Roadster
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?
Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?
Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
posted by D. Maria at 5:33 AM
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Operations by Occupation
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butt are interchangeable."
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butt are interchangeable."
posted by D. Maria at 5:52 AM
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Little Boy & Girl in a Sandbox
A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust!"
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust!"
posted by D. Maria at 5:28 AM
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Ethics in Business
"Dad, what's ethics?"
"Well, son, you know how your uncle and I are in business together? Suppose a customer comes in and buys something worth $10 but gives me a $20 bill by mistake and doesn't ask for change. If I split the extra $10 with your uncle, that's ethics."
"Well, son, you know how your uncle and I are in business together? Suppose a customer comes in and buys something worth $10 but gives me a $20 bill by mistake and doesn't ask for change. If I split the extra $10 with your uncle, that's ethics."
posted by D. Maria at 7:00 AM
|
Appying for Social Security
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
posted by D. Maria at 5:55 AM
|
Daily Briefing
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no," the President exclaims, "That's terrible. That's horrible."
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, visibly shaken.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
"Oh no," the President exclaims, "That's terrible. That's horrible."
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, visibly shaken.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
posted by D. Maria at 5:49 AM
|
Monday, February 20, 2006
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER????
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER????
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
posted by D. Maria at 5:35 AM
|
Child psychology
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's leash.
Suddenly, Steven's fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
Steven stammered, "Well, not really... I don't know how much you saw."
Suddenly, Steven's fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
Steven stammered, "Well, not really... I don't know how much you saw."
posted by D. Maria at 5:26 AM
|
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Cheap
The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' "
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.' "
"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' "
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.' "
posted by D. Maria at 5:44 AM
|
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Nurses Say at Work
Top ten things Nurses Say at Work that laypeople can't say
1. I have to stick this up your rectum.
2. I need some of your urine.
3. I'm going to take some of your blood.
4. Breathe this in and hold it.
5. You have to swallow it.
6. I'm going to tie you down. It's for your own good.
7. We'll inject this into your body, and then take some pictures.
8. Ma'am, I'm going to examine your breasts.
9. I'm going to rub this into your bottom.
10. I did not like his heart rhythm, so I shocked him.
1. I have to stick this up your rectum.
2. I need some of your urine.
3. I'm going to take some of your blood.
4. Breathe this in and hold it.
5. You have to swallow it.
6. I'm going to tie you down. It's for your own good.
7. We'll inject this into your body, and then take some pictures.
8. Ma'am, I'm going to examine your breasts.
9. I'm going to rub this into your bottom.
10. I did not like his heart rhythm, so I shocked him.
posted by D. Maria at 6:13 AM
|
Friday, February 17, 2006
Do you have feelings of inadequacy..?
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Jack Daniels.
Jack Daniels is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Jack Daniels can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Jack Daniels almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Jack Daniels.
Jack Daniels may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Jack Daniels. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, walks/drives of shame and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Jack Daniels.
Jack Daniels is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Jack Daniels can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Jack Daniels almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Jack Daniels.
Jack Daniels may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Jack Daniels. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, walks/drives of shame and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
posted by D. Maria at 8:56 PM
|
After the Attack
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6-foot-tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an
ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an
ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
posted by D. Maria at 6:14 AM
|
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Guess... NC17
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posted by D. Maria at 6:23 AM
|
Quick Lesson
A teacher wrote on the blackboard:
"Like I ain't had no fun in months."
Then she asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Get a boyfriend?"
"Like I ain't had no fun in months."
Then she asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Get a boyfriend?"
posted by D. Maria at 6:00 AM
|
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Would You Remarry?
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.Wife "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (makes audible groan).
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife:-- silence --
Husband: "Sh-t."
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (makes audible groan).
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife:-- silence --
Husband: "Sh-t."
posted by D. Maria at 6:09 PM
|
Old Age
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,
Wife: "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
Husband: He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Wife: "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
Husband: He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
posted by D. Maria at 6:08 PM
|
Actual Headlines
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
Deer Kill 17,328
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
Deer Kill 17,328
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00.
posted by D. Maria at 6:05 PM
|
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
Valentine's Day Jokes and One Liners
What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!
What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"
Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!
posted by D. Maria at 8:00 PM
|
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Black Lace Panties
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and, after dating for a few weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in Wildwood Crest.
Their first night in the Crest, she undresses as he does. There she stood, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
"She replies: "My breasts you can kiss and fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with another pair of black lace panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...only THIS time he is wearing a black condom!
She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
posted by D. Maria at 5:59 PM
|
Parent-Teacher Conference
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
posted by D. Maria at 6:36 AM
|
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Messy Kid
A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"Wow," cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right. She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me."
Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"Wow," cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right. She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me."
posted by D. Maria at 5:52 AM
|
Speeding Cars
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.
So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: Slow - School Crossing
Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: Slow - Children at Play
No good. So the farmer calls again... and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious.
So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words: Slow - Nudist Colony
So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: Slow - School Crossing
Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: Slow - Children at Play
No good. So the farmer calls again... and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious.
So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words: Slow - Nudist Colony
posted by D. Maria at 5:50 AM
|
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Captains Message
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We
are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you
will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message."
posted by D. Maria at 6:19 AM
|
Kids Conversations
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED : I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON: I hope you didn't either.
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
TOBY: Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?
The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped.
"Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" a voice shouted.
"Okay---you start."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS: I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER: I was standing on it.
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
posted by D. Maria at 5:57 AM
|
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Humor In Uniform
After being issued basic combat training equipment at Fort Ord, Calif., we were warned that gas masks were frequently lost, and that we would be charged $65 for a replacement. Determined not to lose mine, I developed the habit of hitting its case with my elbow as we marched, to ensure that the mask was safely inside.
Near the end of training, we made a final check of our masks before ascending to the test chamber. I elbowed my gas-mask case and panicked when I realized it was empty. "Drill Sergeant!" I yelled, jumping out of formation. "I lost my gas mask!"
"Get back in line!" he bellowed. "It's on your head!"
by Jared T. Garfield
Near the end of training, we made a final check of our masks before ascending to the test chamber. I elbowed my gas-mask case and panicked when I realized it was empty. "Drill Sergeant!" I yelled, jumping out of formation. "I lost my gas mask!"
"Get back in line!" he bellowed. "It's on your head!"
by Jared T. Garfield
posted by D. Maria at 1:28 PM
|
Girls Are Like Apples
----------------Girls----------------------------
------- -----are like apples-------------------
--------on trees. The best ones-----------
------are at the top of the tree.--------
----The boys dont want to reach------
---for the good ones because they ------
-are afraid of falling and getting hurt.----
Instead, they just get the rotten apples-
---from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
-something is wrong with them, when in
--reality, they're amazing. They just
---have to wait for the right boy to-------
----- come along, the one who's-----------
----------- brave enough to-----------------
-----------------climb all----------------------
----------------- the way---------------------
-----------------to the top--------------------
---------------- of the tree.------------------
Now boys.... Boys are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to the girls to stomp the sh!t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have
dinner with.
------- -----are like apples-------------------
--------on trees. The best ones-----------
------are at the top of the tree.--------
----The boys dont want to reach------
---for the good ones because they ------
-are afraid of falling and getting hurt.----
Instead, they just get the rotten apples-
---from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
-something is wrong with them, when in
--reality, they're amazing. They just
---have to wait for the right boy to-------
----- come along, the one who's-----------
----------- brave enough to-----------------
-----------------climb all----------------------
----------------- the way---------------------
-----------------to the top--------------------
---------------- of the tree.------------------
Now boys.... Boys are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to the girls to stomp the sh!t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have
dinner with.
posted by D. Maria at 6:28 AM
|
Top Ten REJECTED Valentine's Day Cards
10 - I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is gettin you drunk.
9 - Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8 - I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7 - This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6 - You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat a$$.
5 - Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled...so make me a sandwich.
4 - Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so' your a$$.
3 - You're a honey...and you're a cutie,
I just wish you had J-Lo's "booty".
2 - I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny.
1 - If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one I gave to your sister.
But the thing I like best, is gettin you drunk.
9 - Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8 - I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7 - This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6 - You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat a$$.
5 - Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled...so make me a sandwich.
4 - Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so' your a$$.
3 - You're a honey...and you're a cutie,
I just wish you had J-Lo's "booty".
2 - I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny.
1 - If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one I gave to your sister.
posted by D. Maria at 6:00 AM
|
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Pennsylvanians Unite..!
Again, I have to admit I stole this from one of my favortie posters on Domelights
You Know You're From Pennsylvania - If:
You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."
You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay). (How many residents of other states do that?)
You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" is (a ground hog), and what it means if he sees his shadow.
The first day of buck season and the first day of doe season are school holidays.
You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" - and not even bat an eye.
You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."
At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows...all year long.
You know what a "Hex Sign" is.
You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredible that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.
You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup."
Words like "hoagie," "crick," "chipped / chopped ham," "sticky bun," "shoo-fly pie," "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.
You can eat cold pizza and know others who do the same.
You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know that it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, & Gold.
You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage, and Hot Bacon Dressing.
You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.
You know the difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak - and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.
You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel-cake season.
Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Normalville, Paradise, Mars, State College, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.
You know what a township, a borough, and a commonwealth is.
You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio, and other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.
A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on a highway in Lancaster County.
You know several people who have hit deer with their cars more than once.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.
You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, lock de-icer, and a snow brush in your trunk, even if you now live in the South.
Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.
"You guys" and "younz" are perfectly acceptable references to a group of men & women.
You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" Answer: "No,djew?"
You know how to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.
You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of their parade.
You Know You're From Pennsylvania - If:
You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."
You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay). (How many residents of other states do that?)
You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" is (a ground hog), and what it means if he sees his shadow.
The first day of buck season and the first day of doe season are school holidays.
You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" - and not even bat an eye.
You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."
At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows...all year long.
You know what a "Hex Sign" is.
You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredible that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.
You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup."
Words like "hoagie," "crick," "chipped / chopped ham," "sticky bun," "shoo-fly pie," "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.
You can eat cold pizza and know others who do the same.
You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know that it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, & Gold.
You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage, and Hot Bacon Dressing.
You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.
You know the difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak - and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.
You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel-cake season.
Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Normalville, Paradise, Mars, State College, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.
You know what a township, a borough, and a commonwealth is.
You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio, and other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.
A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on a highway in Lancaster County.
You know several people who have hit deer with their cars more than once.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.
You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, lock de-icer, and a snow brush in your trunk, even if you now live in the South.
Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.
"You guys" and "younz" are perfectly acceptable references to a group of men & women.
You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" Answer: "No,djew?"
You know how to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.
You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of their parade.
posted by D. Maria at 6:50 PM
|
Military Rules Of Engagement, By The Service...
I have to admit I stole this from one of my favortie posters on Domelights
US Military Rules Governing Combat...
MARINE Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
NAVY SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
ARMY Ranger Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
Regular US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
AIR FORCE Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
U.S. NAVY Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink coffee, work 18 hours shifts.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines
US Military Rules Governing Combat...
MARINE Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
NAVY SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
ARMY Ranger Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
Regular US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
AIR FORCE Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
U.S. NAVY Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink coffee, work 18 hours shifts.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines
posted by D. Maria at 6:46 PM
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A Red Hot Love Story
My Dearest,
I can't wait to be with you again
I am eager to take You to Bed and Control You
I will make You Ache, Shake and Sweat
Until You Groan and Moan out Loud
I will make you Beg for Mercy
I will Exhaust you to the point that you . . .
Will be Relieved when I leave.
I am so eager to see you again . . .
Scroll down Darling, I've left you one final PRIVATE message
I can't wait to be with you again
I am eager to take You to Bed and Control You
I will make You Ache, Shake and Sweat
Until You Groan and Moan out Loud
I will make you Beg for Mercy
I will Exhaust you to the point that you . . .
Will be Relieved when I leave.
I am so eager to see you again . . .
Scroll down Darling, I've left you one final PRIVATE message
posted by D. Maria at 6:41 PM
|
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Following Along
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
posted by D. Maria at 6:16 AM
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You Know Your A Redneck If
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
posted by D. Maria at 6:04 AM
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Friday, February 03, 2006
Polish Sausage
Thanks to my friend The Conservative UAW Guy for this one!
A man walks in to a store and says "Can I have a Polish sausage?"
The clerk says "You're Polish sir, aren't you?"
The man says "Yes, I am. But that shouldn't make a difference. If I asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for a brautwurst, would you ask if I was German? If I asked for pizza would you ask if I was Italian?"
The clerk replied, "No, sir. It's just that this is a Home Depot."
A man walks in to a store and says "Can I have a Polish sausage?"
The clerk says "You're Polish sir, aren't you?"
The man says "Yes, I am. But that shouldn't make a difference. If I asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for a brautwurst, would you ask if I was German? If I asked for pizza would you ask if I was Italian?"
The clerk replied, "No, sir. It's just that this is a Home Depot."
posted by D. Maria at 8:38 PM
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A Multiple Choice For Men
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all diseases, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4./5. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all diseases, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4./5. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
posted by D. Maria at 6:30 AM
|
Riddle Me This
(Scroll to bottom for the solution to riddle)
A young peasant wanted to marry the king's daughter. The king didn't like the idea of his daughter marrying a peasant, but he wanted to appear fair in front of his subjects. The king said that he would put two pieces of paper into a hat, one reading exile and the other reading marriage. Later that day, the peasant overheard the king saying that both pieces of paper would read exile, thus ensuring that the peasant would be out of his way for good. The peasant remained undaunted and, as arranged, arrived at the king's court where a large crowd gathered for the big event. The peasant then did something that assured him the hand of the king's daughter What did he do?
Solution to Riddle:
The peasant picked one of the pieces of paper and tore it up. He then asked the king to show him the other piece of paper which, of course, said exile. The king, not wanting to appear fraudulent in front of his subjects, granted that the piece of paper the peasant had picked must have said marriage.
A young peasant wanted to marry the king's daughter. The king didn't like the idea of his daughter marrying a peasant, but he wanted to appear fair in front of his subjects. The king said that he would put two pieces of paper into a hat, one reading exile and the other reading marriage. Later that day, the peasant overheard the king saying that both pieces of paper would read exile, thus ensuring that the peasant would be out of his way for good. The peasant remained undaunted and, as arranged, arrived at the king's court where a large crowd gathered for the big event. The peasant then did something that assured him the hand of the king's daughter What did he do?
Solution to Riddle:
The peasant picked one of the pieces of paper and tore it up. He then asked the king to show him the other piece of paper which, of course, said exile. The king, not wanting to appear fraudulent in front of his subjects, granted that the piece of paper the peasant had picked must have said marriage.
posted by D. Maria at 6:27 AM
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
They Don't Tell Me Anything
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"
posted by D. Maria at 2:49 PM
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The Cell Phone
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"
posted by D. Maria at 2:45 PM
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Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Relief From Housework
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"
"Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
"Now, dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your *husband*, dear."
"Mom, I don't have a husband."
"Is this 234-5678?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"
posted by D. Maria at 4:34 PM
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Dog Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
posted by D. Maria at 4:28 PM
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About Me
- Name: D. Maria
- Location: Pennsylvania, United States
God Bless our troops around the world, fighting for OUR freedom - freedoms we take for granted every day. Thank GOD above for the successes in freedom's cause, especially the rescue of our POW/MIAs, and I continue to pray for those still missing and those who paid the ultimate sacrifice for this wonderful country. Thank GOD also for the blessing of such a strong and decent commander in chief, who has our best interests in mind and heart, even as those he fights for protest him. He deserves our respect and reverence, each and every day, as do our brave soldiers. And God Bless all of the men and women protecting us at home!!! You and your family/friends will forever be in my thoughts and prayers!!!
D. Maria's Other Blogs
- D. Maria's MSN Spaces
- D. Maria's Blogger
- Life is it really a matter of "choice"..?
- Edit-Me
- Welcome to Jokes...to make you laugh
- Slogan of the Day
- Political Funnies
- Political Funnies
- Political Funnies
- Top 10 Reasons to be in the Air Force (Video)
- Political Funnies
- Political Funnies
- 911 calls Thanks (Video)
- Honeymoon Willie
- October 2005
- November 2005
- December 2005
- January 2006
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