Riddle Me This

In a major league baseball game, a pitcher faced only 27 batters. Every batter he faced, he struck out. He allowed no hits and no runs, yet his team lost 4-0. How could this be?





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Solution:

Two solutions are possible. 1) The pitcher came in as a relief pitcher, and the previous pitcher allowed 4 runs in the first inning before he was replaced. 2) The pitcher was the starting pitcher, and the game went to extra innings with the score tied 0-0 after the 9th.

Spoken Sports Blunders

Here are some of the not-so-bright things sportscasters and players have said.

- "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." (David Coleman)

- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

- Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?” Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

- "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

- From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

- "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

- "That's inches away from being millimeter perfect." (Ted Lowe)

- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)

- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

Telltale Signs You're a Drunkard

You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.

Beer ads make sense.

You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.

You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.

You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.

You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I just wasted."

You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.

Words of Wisdom

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free, you probably married or gave birth to it.

From the Police Blotter

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing
brain.

Did I Say That

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said."

Are We Communicating

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. "No, you idiot," the man shouted, "This is her husband."

Divorce Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, and even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods.

Ideal Beauty

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be about a hundred years old."

Past Bedtime

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.
"Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later.
"Da-aaaad....."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later.
"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"What???"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Happy Thanksgiving!!

How to Prepare a Turkey!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"




HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Riddle Me This

Can you decipher the following words or expressions?
1) O_er_t_o_
2) minI'LL BE THEREute
3) ATfrankfrankRA
4) OdOoOmO



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Solution to Riddle:

1) Painless operation
2) I'll be there in a minute
3) Frank Sinatra
4) Dominoes

Doctor Stories

- A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one." --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

- At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

- I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

- During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

- I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

How to treat your IT Team

1) When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2) When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

3) When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

4) When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

5) Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

6) When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

7) When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

8) When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

9) When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

10) If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

11) When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

12) When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

13) We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

Princess Frog and the Engineer

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

How To Quit Smoking

One way to help stop second hand smoke

Redneck Reply

Two rednecks are driving down the road in a pick up truck drinking beer. A police officer spots them and is in hot pursuit for them.

Billy Bob, the driver says, "Oh heck! Bubba quick, tear that label off your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead."

Bubba says "What the heck you talkin’ bout Billy Bob?"

Billy Bob says, "Just do it."

They pull over and the police officer approaches the pickup truck and says, " You boys been drinkin’?"

Billy Bob says "No sir officer, where on the patch!”

2006 Diet

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

First Born Child

Some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first...

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

New Computer Mouse

What Makes it Work?

12 Step Program

A Dog's Version

Beautiful Blonde

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

Riddle Me This

What popular actor's first and last names are the same as the last names of two U.S. presidents?


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Solution: Harrison Ford

Prayers Answered

As I was praying one day, talking to God about my needs in hopes of receiving solutions, I asked God, "Is it true that a minute in heaven is 1,000 years on earth?"

God replied, "Yes my beloved one, it’s true."

Furthermore, I asked God, "Is it true that a penny in heaven is $1,000,000 on earth?"

God again answered, "Yes my child, it’s true."

So then I asked, "Can I have a penny?"

And God replied, "In a minute."

Hospital Operations

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa. Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Brilliant Vet

The only cow in a small town in Alberta stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away," they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan."

Expensive Flight

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Revised Company Exercise Program

The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:

jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
shooting the breeze,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
pushing their luck,
shuffling papers,
and playing hide and seek.

In Need of a Push

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning." He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark, "Hello -- are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.

Magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Riddle Me This

There was once a man who had a very selfish and unkind son. So one day the father sent his son to the market with one coin and said, "I am sick and tired of your selfish ways. Take this coin and buy with it: something to feed the cows, something to plant in the garden, something for us to eat, and something for us to drink. Don't come back until you do this."

He is only allowed to buy one item. What did he buy that fulfilled his father's wish?


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Solution to Today's Riddle:

He bought a watermelon - the juice to drink, the pulp to eat, the seeds to plant in the garden, and the rind to feed the cows.

College Bound

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

Quiet Patient

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning
and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got
no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"

Special Celebration

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do."

My husband turned to me and said, "I suppose we could vacuum."

Decision Maker

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly. “After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own.”

Traffic Pattern

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105. Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."

half a head

There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said,

"There's some jerk out there that wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

"and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."

The manager Okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said,

"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

---

a senior moment

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

---

difference between you and your boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

don't speak to the parrot

Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

---

some horrible language

A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says the man.

"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!"

Do It Yourself Cleaning

When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Senior Exercise

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sack.

Then use 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Cheating Husband

"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"

"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

An Interesting Toilet

New Type of Bidet?

Dracula

Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God.

God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re- incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKING BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."

"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again.

BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKING BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKING BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"

"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.

Dracula became a tampon.

Things I have learned in life

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.

I've learned that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.

I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Power Word to Increase Sales

The manager of a ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sales clerks a little talk. "Alice, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Alice. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Alice's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Alice nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did: 'fantastic.'"

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How've you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Alice," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Alice shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a damn?'"

You Know You're Getting Older When

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- You're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.

- You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

- You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.

- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

- All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

- You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

- You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

Father Brown's Hole-In-One

One bright sunny Sunday morning Father Brown woke up and decided to himself that he was just to lazy to perform mass, instead a nice relaxing round of golf sounded better. so he called up his close friend Father Smith and used the excuse of being too sick, so of course Father Smith took over.Father Brown gathered his clubs and left for the golf course.

He got there and took pride in his scheme for the course was deserted because everyone was at church, he was having a rather good game while St. Peter was watching from above and he said to God, "Are you going to let him get away with this"? God replied, "Why not." Father Brown soon was coming to the 9th hole, which was a very tricky hole, with a par of about 8. He teed off and watched himself make a hole in one. St.Peter was very disappointed so he turned to God once again and said, "Are you going to let him get away with that"? And God replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

Adventures of the New Priest

Once there was a Catholic church that recently got itself a new priest. This priest was fixed on bringing young people to the church. One day the older priest said down the younger one and said, "You have done much good for our church! When you suggested we get bucket seats instead of pews, the teenage population of our church really went up!" The young priest smiled smugly.

Then he continued, "And when you decided to bring in rock gospel groups instead of a choir, the teenage population went up further." He smiles again.

"But the thing I'm not sure about is the drive-in confessional. I mean, the whole idea is fine, but I'm concerned about the neon sign in front. We might need to change that." The other guy frowned. "Well, what's wrong with it, father?" "I just don't think that 'Toot and Tell or go to Hell is such a nice gesture!"

Famous Quotes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. Then literature is full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3m Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". - Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

Arabic Toilet Instructions

I am sure this sign saved a lot of people from doing "IT" wrong

 

---

3x3

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Sledgehammer

A midget is sitting in a bar. In comes this giant 6'4" guy. He takes the midget and beats the shit out of him and knocks him out cold. He tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was 'Karate from Korea.'"

The next night, the same midget is sitting at the bar and in walks the same big guy. He goes up to the midget and beats the shit out of him again. He says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was 'Judo from Japan.'"

The next night, the big guy is sitting at the bar and the midget walks in. This time the midget beats the shit out of the guy and says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a sledgehammer from Sears."

All In the Equipment

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good. You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any reply, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a delicious meal. You must have some very good pots."

New Drink

A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at SFO. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything?"

The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only drinking buddies can. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels
great.

The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.

"I feel great," he says.

His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too. You don't have a hangover either?"

"No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"Well, don't, cause I'm in Phoenix."

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)

To what question can you never truthfully answer "yes"?

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)

A guy bet his neighbor $100 dollars that his dog could jump higher than a house. Thinking this not possible, the neighbor took the bet and lost. Why did he lose the bet?

A Few Thoughts Regarding Dogs

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently about nothing right in your ear."
-Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-Fran Lebowitz

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-Robert A. Heinlein

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-Edward Abbey

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-Christopher Morley

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-John Steinbeck

Veterans Day

Fantastic Firefighting

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a
fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a
blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The
alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the
scene, the chemical company president rushed to the
fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that
brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon
more fire departments had to be called in as the
situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived,
the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out
the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby
Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company
composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,
operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer
sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with
a performance and effort never seen before. Within a
short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the
fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful
chemical company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and he walked over to personally thank each
of the brave, though elderly, Norse fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing
the event on film asking, "What are you going to do
with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat truck."

Tax Letter

This was an actual letter sent to the IRS after the
author was denied tax deductions on two of his
children.

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction
for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994
Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned
whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since
they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the
government should know something about them and what
to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them to me next year and reinstate the
deduction. They are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask
her. I suggest you put her to work in your office
where she can answer people's questions about their
returns. While she has no formal training, it has not
seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can
name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going
to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now
be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It
doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix
the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to
school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While
she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the
face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be
handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little closer together than those of
normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one
day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends
were TPing houses. In the future, would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of
time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take
care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and
it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. Do not leave him or his friends unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones (They find telephones a source
of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and
appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is
yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip
in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help
offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools
dropped it. But here's the good news. You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you
are denying me. It's quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak
English. Most people under 20 understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her
Rs. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and
wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There
is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only
fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I
prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free.
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about
putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on
an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated
his refund.

Police Report

When the report said (1),
It really meant (2)

(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was
closed...

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims
prevented this officer from doing traffic control
(2) It was raining and it was cold...

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) I arrested him once for Public Intoxication...

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has
provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted, being
injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new Oakley
sunglasses...

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic
violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each cussword he used...

(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered
every courtesy within departmental policies...
(2) I sent then to a nonexistent address, which I
called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for
speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor
store and who was free after my shift was over.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible,
due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how
to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the
judge the same name he called me.

Letter from Grandma

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did. What an uplifting experience that
followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and
how good He is ...and I didn't notice that the light
had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves
Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I
was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "For the love of God. Go. Go. Jesus Christ,
Go." What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of my
window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone
from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him
the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out
laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask
what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
brothers grinning, and drove on through the
intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed
again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Grandma

Army Emphasis

At one Army base, the monthly trip to the rifle range
had been canceled for the second month in a row, but
the biweekly physical fitness test was still on as
planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that
the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we can
run?"

Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I
replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this
stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this
stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she
was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I
get it," she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test
you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face
and joy in my heart.

Dad .. How was I born?

Subject: Dad .. How was I born?

Boy asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: **'You've Got Male'!"**

New Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to mate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me."

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram. Beat it. You're washed up. I'm taking over."

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a gun, that’s the third gay rooster I bought this week."

His & Her ATM

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt


HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Deep Thoughts

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Warden's Request

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A Love Story

My Dearest,

I can't wait to be with you again
I am eager to take You to Bed and Control You
I will make You Ache, Shake and Sweat
Until You Groan and Moan out Loud
I will make you Beg for Mercy
I will Exhaust you to the point that you . . .
Will be Relieved when I leave.
I am so eager to see you again . . .


Scroll down Darling, I've left you one final PRIVATE message

The Story of Two Nuns

 

 

 

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

 

 

 

 

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

 

 

 

 

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

 

 

 Say two Hail Marys

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Woman Understands Fishing!

Life is All About Ass

Life is All About Ass

your'e either covering it,

laughing it off,

kicking it,

kissing it,

busting it,

trying to get a piece of it,

behaving like one,

Or you live with one!

Dog and Cat Diary . . .

As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Available Men: A Detailed Analysis for Women Who Are Looking

Super Bowl Seats

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.

He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.

The man replied, "No."

Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

Dilemma Solved

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find what a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the riverbank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

Hard Sell

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it."

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it."

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it."

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it."

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it. My wife isn't."

No Counseling Needed

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Dorm Prank

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag."

It was then that he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

Telemarketer Responses

What to say to telemarketers who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

1) The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

2) You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.

3) Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: Care of the Warden, Maximum Security Wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

4) What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

5) I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

6) I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water - lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

7) Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

8) The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

9) The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skateboard getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?

10) Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)

What unusual property do the words “flour”, “tern”, and “thirsty” have in common?

New Weatherman

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost 300 times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and the application asked for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try."

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Ah man – this one’s barefoot too."

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)

Fill in the blanks to find a rhyme for the questions:
Sample. Peter Pan Novel? HOOK BOOK
1. Male Mensa members? --S- --Y-
2. Code creator's equine? M---- ---S-
3. Wealthy Winnie the Pooh? M--------R- --N-- --A-
4. Unrefined guy? -U-- ---E
5. Boston Pops tryout? --S----- --D-----
6. Annoying invitee? -U--- P---
7. Seasonal percussionist? ---M-- -R---E-
8. A master's way with old furniture? A----U- T---N----

Talk to Paw

A young boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."