Tax Letter

This was an actual letter sent to the IRS after the
author was denied tax deductions on two of his
children.

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction
for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994
Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned
whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since
they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the
government should know something about them and what
to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them to me next year and reinstate the
deduction. They are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask
her. I suggest you put her to work in your office
where she can answer people's questions about their
returns. While she has no formal training, it has not
seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can
name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going
to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now
be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It
doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix
the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to
school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While
she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the
face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be
handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little closer together than those of
normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one
day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends
were TPing houses. In the future, would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of
time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take
care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and
it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. Do not leave him or his friends unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones (They find telephones a source
of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and
appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is
yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip
in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help
offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools
dropped it. But here's the good news. You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you
are denying me. It's quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak
English. Most people under 20 understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her
Rs. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and
wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There
is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only
fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I
prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free.
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about
putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on
an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated
his refund.