Things I have learned in life

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.

I've learned that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.

I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.