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Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

She's a goblin!

I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

Let me see your bag ... OH! - You're having a great night!

Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

You scared me stiff!

He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Halloween joke ~ Twick or Tweat

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my freaking cookies!"

Halloween Image ~ Consider the Possibilities...



Halloween Image ~ No Candy?!?



Halloween Image ~ Flasher



Halloween Image ~ POS



Sunday, October 30, 2005

Famous Last Words

=> Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
=> Hey there's no handles inside these car doors.
=> Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
=> What does this button do?
=> So, you're a cannibal.
=> It's probably just a rash.
=> Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
=> Are you sure the power is off?
=> Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
=> What duck?
=> Pull the pin and count to what?
=> Which wire was I supposed to cut?
=> I wonder where the mother bear is.
=> I've seen this done on TV.
=> These are the good kind of mushrooms.
=> You look just like Charles Manson.
=> Let it down slowly.
=> Rat poison only kills rats.
=> It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
=> I'll get your toast out.
=> Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
=> It's strong enough for both of us.
=> This doesn't taste right.
=> I can make this light before it changes.
=> Nice doggie.
=> I can do that with my eyes closed.
=> Well we've made it this far.
=> I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
=> I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
=> You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
=> OK this is the last time.
=> Don't be so superstitious.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Cats Drink Guinness

Friday, October 28, 2005

Camel Starter

There was once this guy who was on a quest to cross the Sahara desert solo, we will call him Simon, for that is a good name for a camel rider. Well he started out and things were going along just fine for weeks, however gradually he noticed a change in his camel, slowly but surely it seemed to be traveling slower and slower.

It had been a while since he had drunk water but camels were supposed to be able to survive for long periods without water he thought to himself. Well eventually the poor ol' camel just stopped altogether.

"Great!" thought Simon, "now I'm really in trouble". After some time trying to pull the camel, push the camel and do anything he could to get the camel moving, he was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going anywhere fast.

Suddenly, almost out of nowhere this guy comes driving up to him in a small truck with a sign on the side "Camel Starters R US". Well Simon couldn't believe his luck. "This is unbelievable!" he says as the truck approaches.

The driver leans out the window and says "Got some camel trouble there buddy?" The reply was swift, "Sure have, can you help?." "Sure I can," says the driver and before you know it he has the camel up on the back of the truck and he says to Simon "Hop in."

After a bit of a drive they arrive at what appears to be the Camel Starters R US workshop. The driver loads the camel onto the mechanics 'pit' and proceeds down underneath to look at the underside of the camel. "Yep, I can see what the problem is there I'll have your camel started in no time matey. Sometimes they just get a bit disoriented and lose their way, but we know the trick to get 'em going again, don't you worry." "Fantastic" Simon replies.

The driver then grabs a couple of bricks extends his arms out horizontally and brings them together in a mighty thump right on the camels balls. VRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMMMM... the camel is gone in a plume of dust. "Incredible, look at him go!" says Simon "But I just have one problem, the camel is definitely started, but how the heck am I going to catch him?" The driver responds, "Hop up on that stand for me son."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Hungry Bats

Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.

The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!

"Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?"

"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?"

"Yes" replies the first bat.

"Well I bloody well didn't."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)
I weaken all men for hours each day.
I show you strange visions while you are away.
I take you by night, by day take you back.
None suffer to have me, but do from my lack.
What am I?

Call For Help

"Hello."

"Help. Send someone over quickly," the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want." she yelled. "They need a longer ladder."

Burial Place

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful for her to rest here in the Holy Land, at the cost of only $150?"

The son-in-law says, "A man died here about 2000 years ago. He was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't convince myself to take that chance..."

Doctor's Postcard

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti... two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

New Secretary

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right, you’re wife is better."

Dish Washer

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog, who was lying on the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way."

Remember when ...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean...
And RAM was the cousin of a goat...

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

Leaving the Bar

A man decides to leave the bar after having spent his whole night there. Being a smart man he decides to take the bus home instead of driving. Leaving the bar, he falls over. He stands back up and then promptly falls over again. This happens several times on the way to the bus stop. He gets on the bus and falls over in the aisle. When he FINALLY gets home he gets off of the bus, stands up and once again falls over. He does this, slowly crawling to the door, and when he finally gets there his wife opens it on him.

She says to the man, "You were at the bar werent'cha?"

He replies sheepishly, "yes"

She then says, "The bartender called and said you left your wheelchair there again."

Cowboy Story

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

Dingo Antics

A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.

One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poop now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie canine."

Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, " Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.. and just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

MORAL: SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSH!T!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Great Storyteller

Germ Relationship

Doggie Decisions... Hmmm...

Bird Bath Fiasco

Repercussions..?

Men NEVER Listen

Crime Doesn't Pay

Sunday, October 23, 2005

A Visitors' Guide to Dallas

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone...people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock show is going on.

23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.

24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Creative Answering Machine Messages

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hot line. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hot line. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)
I am used to bat with, yet I never get a hit.
I am near a ball, yet it is never thrown.
What am I?

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Dog Has To Go

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant."

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor. Put this American in his place."

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong female dog out the window."

Old Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Meeting the Parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the appetizers, the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot," called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot," she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. "One more and I'll feel fine." So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot," shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he poops on you."
 

Punny Chicken

A chicken walks into a library and straight up to the librarian. The chicken says "book, book" so the librarian humors the chicken and gives him a book. Off goes the chicken out the door.

Next day the same thing happens. And the third day too. Getting a little curious, the librarian follows the chicken on the fourth day, all across town to a swampy lake. At the lake he sees the chicken drops the book in front of a frog, who promptly says "Redit, redit."

Putdowns

=> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
=> He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
=> A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
=> On the other hand, you have different fingers.
=> Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
=> I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
=> I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
=> She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
=> Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)

What single three letter word can replace the ??? in all four words below to make a new word in each case?

???board
???stone
???punch
???hole

High-End Bathroom

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a "get acquainted tour" of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I too could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible."

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Secret Password

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Simple Instructions

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'." Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten-carat diamond ring.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Liar

One day a plane filled with lawyers crashed down into a field. The next day the police came to investigate the accident. They saw the farmer that owned the field. "Where are all the lawyers?" the police asked him. "I buried them." he replied. "They were all dead?!" this shocked the police.

To this the farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't but you know how lawyers lie!"

What Advertisements Really Mean

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.


Blonde vs. Blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the other blondes driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has you on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Need an Ambulance?

These are all real replies from patients asked why they needed an abulance to and from hospital...

=> I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.
=> I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
=> I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.
=> I want transport and bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
=> I am blind in one eye and my leg.
=> I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.
=> I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
=> I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.
=> I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.
=> My husband is dead and will not bring me.
=> I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.
=> I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.
=> I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Riddle Me This

(Click on comments for the solution to this riddle)

A certain number consists of two digits. The number is equal to five times the sum of its digits. If you add 9 to the number, the order of its digits is reversed. What is the number?

Cow vs. Pig

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update for you...

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig... just to get a little sausage.

Dry Cleaner

A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry. The town only had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After giving the man his suit, he said, "I'll be back for it tomorrow."

"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours a day.

Today's Thursday, plus Friday and Saturday, that's 24 hours."

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Men One Liners

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One...He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.

Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Words With Two Meanings

A friend sent me this in an e-mail; a couple of months ago. I thought it was truly hysterical and had to share it... Thank you!!

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said .. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .. .. We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

Lessons from Mom

My mother taught me LOGIC...
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me
FORESIGHT
...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me
IRONY
...
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of
OSMOSIS
...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about
CONTORTIONISM.
..
"Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about
STAMINA
...
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about
WEATHER
...
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about
HYPOCRISY...
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE...
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
...
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about
ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Word Play

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Sick From Work

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up something to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The True Story:


The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen

"Honey, the garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from everything below.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanationout of me about my head injury.

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about -- which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

Close, but not exactly.

The Idiot Drunk




An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

posted by D. Maria at 5:20 AM |

The Dishes

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

posted by D. Maria at 5:17 AM |

Senior Pickup Line

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, in his mid-90s with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling lightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady in her mid-80s, also well dressed and attractive, sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

posted by D. Maria at 4:42 AM |

The Perfect Employee

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found


2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without


3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never


4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always


5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended


6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee


7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no


8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound


9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be


10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be


11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be


12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be


13 executed as soon as possible.



Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

posted by D. Maria at 4:06 AM |

A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."


She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.


Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."


The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"


Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.


Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."


"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.


"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.


"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.


"Yes."


"Do farts have lumps?"


"No. Why do you ask."


"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

posted by D. Maria at 4:02 AM |

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead'."

There is a silence... then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

posted by D. Maria at 5:37 AM |

Before the Trouble Starts

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts."

The Bartender hands him a beer, the guy skulls it and says again, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts."

The bartender hands him another beer and the again the guy skulls it and says again, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts."

The bartender hands him another beer and the guy skulls it again. "Hang on," says the bartender, "how are you going to pay for all of this beer?" The guy replies, "OK, now the troubles started."

posted by D. Maria at 5:34 AM |

Drunk Irishman

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness--couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

posted by D. Maria at 5:33 AM |

Stuffed Animals

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom and the guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals.

There were hundreds of them. Giant stuffed animals on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and lots of smaller stuffed animals on the bottom shelf. Later after they had intercourse, he turned to her and asked......

"So ... how was I?"

"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

posted by D. Maria at 5:28 AM |

After a Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh shoot,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

What can I say... MEN!!

posted by D. Maria at 5:27 AM |

Photo

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."


Gentlemen BEWARE!!!

posted by D. Maria at 5:14 AM |

Bad Day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

posted by D. Maria at 5:12 AM |

Something to consider....

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So drink more beer!

posted by D. Maria at 5:08 AM |

Classic Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."


That night, as the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself, "I don't think so, frog man!"

posted by D. Maria at 5:07 AM |

Getting Out Of A Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw
flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the he!! am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a
word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and
it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my
wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

posted by D. Maria at 5:04 AM |

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Why Condoms Come In Boxes Of 3, 6, & 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

" He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

posted by D. Maria at 5:46 AM |

Smart A55 First Grader...

A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, "Why does she ask such a question?!"

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Digs a hole."

Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry says, "Shake hands."

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade -- I got the last seven questions wrong!"

posted by D. Maria at 5:44 AM |

Just a Wee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God- given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man the visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

posted by D. Maria at 5:33 AM |

Husbands & Wives

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen...

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the f*cking car."

posted by D. Maria at 5:26 AM |

Two Italians Hop On The Bus




At a bus stop two Italians hop on the bus.
As soon as they get to their seats they get engaged in a busy conversation.
A lady who is sitting right behind them, ignores them at first, but then can't
help but overhear what the one Italian is telling to the other...


"Emma come first. Then come I. Then two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come
again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time"


"You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed swine," the lady shouts, quite upset.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives..........."


"Hey , coola down lady," says the guy. "Who talkin abouta sexa?
I'm just telling my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

posted by D. Maria at 5:21 AM |

Lifesavers

A teacher doing grad studies was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red.......cherry

Yellow.......lemon

Green.......lime

Orange........orange

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well", he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother may possibly call your father at times."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God!! They're a55holes!!!"

posted by D. Maria at 5:17 AM |

Revenge of the Nurse

A cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three extra-wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters on each piece was this message:

"Get well quick" "from the nurse you" "gave a ticket to last week."

posted by D. Maria at 5:14 AM |

I Don't Do...

1. I don't do windows because ...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because ...
I'm terrified a guest will slip and hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
They are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ...
I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because ...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because ...
I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because ...
my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

10. I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

posted by D. Maria at 4:59 AM |

New Liquor Warning Labels!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than other people.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

posted by D. Maria at 4:54 AM |



DON'T CLICK HERE!!!