Four Little Animals

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman / wife she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want
out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in my bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

Fat cat heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate
and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years.
Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor
family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident
and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with
the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been
chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could
only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly,
each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the
cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks,

"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says...

"Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those
Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."

Bubba and his Catholic neighbors

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Chores

A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

So he goes to feed the chickens, but he's a little resentful, so he kicks a chicken. He feeds the cows, and he kicks a cow. He feeds the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. “Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, the boy's father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a wicked smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?"

Those damn Blondes!

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY BUT WOULDN'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." THEN SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around he place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Coming out of the closet

A gay guy, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

Forget Rednecks... here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say on New Englanders

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other majority in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NEW ENGLANDER WHEN: "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day, and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction .

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

"Down South" to you means Philadelphia.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

Did you get the license to that truck?

"A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.


We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal democrat drunk."

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.""

Golf's Worst Foursome

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME


1. MONICA LEWINSKY

2. O.J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON


WHY, YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this!





1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O.J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND. .....

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

The Mexican Bungee

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we
could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico, because labor is cheaper and so are the other costs."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to see this new attraction. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When it's time to test their system, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up...he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the" cord was fine, but what the" heck is a 'Pinata'?"

A Pun A Day

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

How Blonde Was She?

She was Soooooooo Blonde ...
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:'
She wrote "Sagittarius."


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application,
She put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her
At the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she
turned around and went home.


She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur
Around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio
In the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
In
Front."


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

The Old Sailor

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for
the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but
needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing
about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot
getting your money back."

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Women drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so !

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes -

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.
The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said I am a US Senator, the Democratic Party needs me and my liver still has some good years left. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman took my schoolbag.

A Blonde and a Grenade

A. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Q. Take the pin out and throw it back.

Horseback riding

A blonde decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She
mounts the horse unassisted and
the horse immediately springs
into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly
ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

MAGIC BEER

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ASSHOLE when you're drunk!"

Dopey Dwarf

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs"
they get ushered into see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and
gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey,
there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns
around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope,! are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
The world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Women are just evil!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could , I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you , I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

"Great!" replied Bozo. "How much do I have to pay?" he asks.

"One thousand dollars for the food."

"But I haven't touched the food."

"It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."

"But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!"

"It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."

"But I slept on the floor!"

"It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."

"You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey."

"But sir, I didn't screw your donkey."

"It was there. You should have!"

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Resources. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Resources that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative, Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

Work vs Prison

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you .
AT WORK..........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........you have to share the toilet with some people who peed on the seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ........ ..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON........ you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.


Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private
school in Washington recently
was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls (and Kenny) were
beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them
and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to
be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met
them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip
prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers, and then, there are educators.

New virus called WORK

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

UCLA Women's study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

MURPHY LAYS DOWN THE LAWS FOR COPS

The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop...

Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face...

High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic...

Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp...

Flash suppressors don't really...

If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house...

If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at...

Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen)...

When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use...

If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions...

You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do. ...... ..

Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol...

From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can. ...

On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be...

The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets...

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it...

The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off...

If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team...

The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you....

Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch...

Laser sights work

PSA all Males

Posted as a public service to all my male friends


*** WARNING ***

A Redneck man's pick-up line

1. Did you fart? *cause you blew me away*

2. Are yer parents retarded? * Cuz ya sure are special*

3. My love fer you is like diarrhea… * I can’t hold it in*

4. Do you have a library card? * Cuz I’d like to sign you out*

5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? *Cuz I can see myself in em *

6. If you was a tree, I were a squirrel, * I’d store my nuts in yer hole *

7. You might not be the best looking girl here, * but beauty is only a light switch away *

8. Man: “Fat Penquin!”
Woman: “WHAT?”
Man: “ I just wanted to say something to break the ice”

9. I know I’m no Fred Flinstone, *but I bet I can make your bed rock*

10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? * I think he went into this cheap motel room*

11. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner

12. If yer gunna regret this in the morning, * we kin always sleep til afternoon*

AND THE BEST FOR LAST!……………….

13. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, * every time I think of it my nuts tighten up*

10 Reasons Why a Rifle is Better than a Women

1. You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
2. You can have a rifle at home and another for the road.
3. If you admire your friends rifle and tell him so, he'll be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
4. Your primary weapon doesn't mind if you have a backup.
5. Your rifle will stay with you even if your out of ammo.
6. A rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
7. Rifles function normally everyday of the month.
8. A rifle won't ask, "Do these hand grips make me look fat?"
9. A rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after your done using it.
10. You can buy a silencer for your rifle.

Bark

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a
sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "Bark" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's
important to learn a foreign language?"

The Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
Cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate
for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye
daddy,the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside, plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a
breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board
my new yacht in the French Riviera, and....."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Our Computers Are Down

The gals at work have a problem

McDonald's Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Let's go fishing

Good Day To Stay Home

Consider this weather before heading out the door

News From Denmark

Unfortunate Accident in Kjellerups

Uptight Colonel

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event at a posh hotel, sponsored by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely attractive, idealistic young women in attendance. One of them approached the colonel.

"Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time? Or is there something that's bothering you?"

"No, I'm just serious by nature."

Looking over the colonel's ribbons, the young lady said, "You seem to have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, a lot of action," said the colonel rather curtly.

Finding it hard work trying to start a conversation with the colonel, the young woman said, "You know, you should lighten up a little . . . relax and enjoy yourself."

This didn't seem to move the colonel, who just looked at her very seriously.

Exasperated, the woman said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955."

"Well no wonder you're the way you are! You really need to chill out a little and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955 is a little extreme!"

"I don't think so, it's only, 2130 now."

How fights get started

To Much Sugar

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Out of the home

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table,
and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do
you?"

Blonde goes flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Actual Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

The Office Happenings

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale
improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good
people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a
protective barrier."

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered
from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new
Boss is an idiot, too . but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He
walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit
of a spine.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the
impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the
outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this
year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position
until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Pull Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named
Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie,
pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Now I've Seen Everything...

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
________________________________________
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
________________________________________
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
________________________________________
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
________________________________________
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
________________________________________
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
________________________________________
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means..."I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner."
________________________________________
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"
________________________________________
"It's a really good movie."
Really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
________________________________________
"That's women's work."
Really means..."I'm difficult, dirty, and thankless."
________________________________________
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'MASH', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the number plate of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
________________________________________
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
________________________________________
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
________________________________________
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me at?"
________________________________________
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
________________________________________
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
________________________________________
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."
________________________________________
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Planning Ahead

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant
only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he
could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the
restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned
with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we
climbed in.

As we sat there, soaked and cold, John stuck the hanger under his
seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll
have one."