Superman joke

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!"

No, no... it's true..." said the first man, "let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window.

He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passing the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... Then his body hits the sidewalk... Splat !!!!

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, shakes his head and says.....

"You know, Superman, you're a real @ss-hole when you're drunk."

Dear Dog

Dear Dog...



I am soooo sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish tank you did not spill over; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

But things here at the house really are calmer now, and just to show you that there are no hard feelings between us, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.



Best regards,




The Cat

50 years together!

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad..."the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're b@st@rds?"

"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

16 things to do at Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"

What's a 710?

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

SCROLL DOWN
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:

Giving Up the Good Stuff

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

50 Rules for Women

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
34. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
35. Don't make 50 rules when 35 will do.

When girls don't put out!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b!tch knows I'm smarter than her.

Jokes that may offend most!

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f**king her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c**t once in a while too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your @ss kicked.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Do you know how Montanan's practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

That Is Just Wrong!

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,

"Denephew."

Media Allies

Torture

Al Gore

Unbiased Media

Buddies Forever

MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two
million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with
asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States is sending two million replacement Mexicans.


God Bless America!

Soldiers Burden

Keep An Eye On That Southern Border...

MRE Dinner Date

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets; took out three of the Pork Chops; three packets of Chicken-a-la-King; and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles; and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat with the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans. (Hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy, right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess...could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is flippin EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...yeah...it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Marines even make smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "expeditionary rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

27 things to do in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

27) Bring a plastic blow up doll and pretend it is your wife/girlfriend and say "Don't yell at me woman!" and throw her into the wall.

Brooklyn Tony

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

.....................................................................................................
Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fu**ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

.....................................................................................................
Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

We are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

....................................................................................................
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

........................................................................................................
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!' "

....................................................................................................
Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business."

Quotes on Sex

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons to hope for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!tch."
Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

Bobs Night Out

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over himand says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.The cabby turns around and says,

Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time."

Police Comments

The following 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

..15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

..14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

..13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

..12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

..11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

..10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

..9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

..8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

..7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

..6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

..5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

..4. "Just how big were those two beers?

..3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

..2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

..1 "You didn't think we

You Can Be the Man of Your House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House".

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of
sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f^%kin' funeral director would be my guess."

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Things not to say to a Police Officer...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

TIDBITS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
__________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A Little old Lady

Sunday's sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Everyone raised their hand except one elderly lady, Mrs. Jones.

The minister asked, "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." she said sweetly.

"Mrs.Jones that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight", she replied.

To this the minister said, "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and announced: "I outlived the b!tches."

Mrs. Crabapple said to her student...

Mrs. Crabapple said to her student, "Johnny, can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"

"Yes, ma'am!" replied little Johnny. "I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."

"And what jobs would they be doing then?" asked Mrs. Crabapple.

"Building boats!" exclaimed Johnny.

I have tried a little kinky stuff

A woman called me and said,
"I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.
I brought my Windex.

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Not for nothing, but please do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Vinnie

Farmer and his rooster...

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "we can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" Said Marge.

"I Think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What Makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, Don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating' my popcorn!

Jethro, a young mountaineer...

Jethro, a young mountaineer, had just come into some money,
and decided to buy one of them new-fangled bathtubs,
instead of just the galvanized washtub he usually bathed in.
He went down to the plumber's shop, and arranged for them
to install it in his shack.
Next day, he was back at the plumber's, complaining. "The
water keeps draining out as fast as the faucet will pour
it in. I can't take a bath in it if the water won't stay long enough!"
The plumber asked, "Did you put the plug in?"
"What?" says Jethro. "You didn't tell me it was electric!"

The Lone Ranger!

Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in thre e days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass ...... for the last time .......... BRING POSSEE!!!!

Man's Best Friend

Everybody who has a dog calls him Pal, Rover, Spot or Snoopy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been emarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "So do I". When I said, "But this is a dog", he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning." I said, I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

First time duck hunting...

Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

This is how it happened...

...according to the Conspiracy kooks!

How to hynotize men!! ~~ ADULTS ONLY!!

Cut and paste link
once it opens click on pic numerous times

http://www.mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go_back_spezial.html

My Google Search....

Actual Letters to Landlords

These are excerpts of actual letters sent to landlords:

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The Man and the Airship Earth

Last week while traveling, I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp. I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together. Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling. It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy, my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous. At this point it is important to note that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraith-like over the staircase, it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of its noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again. I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you. That still doesn't do it.

Let me try one more time. I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness. (Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.) So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was!

A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind, a fat little dwarf in a security outfit, was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar, with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled e very panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once, flat in the gut at 200 mph, it is not a pleasant sensation. Without volition I screamed my battle cry which is undistinguishable from the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear. I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over. The total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers, when you punch the living shit out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces. Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence. (Breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny, if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk-in closet and released it inside, where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed.

About 500 years later I fell asleep.

Then...at about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached. The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the Internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead.

To Funny, I had to Share

I dont care what Political Affiliation you are, this is Funny.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up
his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we
so worried about gay-marriage when 1/3 of all Americans don't have
health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq
without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al
Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/3 of all
Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go
off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

Finding the origin of the toothbrush

Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location.

After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia.

Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

Mafia Godfather, Attorney and Accountant...

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my darn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, pulls back the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my darn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

The bewildered husband

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children where outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug wa wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Ann and the psychic

Ann visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. " Visibly shaken, Ann stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

School teacher teaches about whales

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Tired Marine

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant an Army guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, good night beautiful and when I got up this morning, he was still sitting there with his eyes wide open watching me."

Condoms

A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

(You'll love this one...................scroll down)

>

>

>

>

>



"Cleanup, Register 5

(How to Handle) Peace Activists

With all of this talk of war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support terror.

These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.

They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter.

Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution.

Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people.

It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these.

We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.

Lesson over, class dismissed.


**Borrowed from Capt. Jason Grose's web site: http://www.grose.us

A Fine Example of How the American Press Works

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the pres. yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: "Bush Can't Swim."

Love how they word those headlines!

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER

MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Reasons not to Drink...

You know You Drank too Much...

~Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
~The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
~The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
~When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
~You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties.
~You have a "happy hour" at home
~When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong?
~You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land ~Although you drove home the other night you can't remember
how you got home or where you parked your car
~"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
~Your favorite drink is ethanol.
~"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!" "I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic*
~Pash me another, tarbender."
~You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
~You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before
~Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while
~You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast
~You frequently urinate outdoors.
~When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't.
~You fall asleep taking a dump.
~You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.
~You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
~You find it's easier to study drunk.
~You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.
~Beer ads make sense.
~You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
~You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
~The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
~You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
~You mix your cocktails by the litre.
~You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
~You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss.
~When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
~You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect
~You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
~You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
~Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
~24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
~Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! "
~Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
~You can focus better with one eye closed
~The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar ~You fall off the floor.
~You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
~Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
~Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
~The glass keeps missing your mouth.
~Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
~At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
~Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
~You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the
bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
~Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
~If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
~"Take me drunk, I'm home!"
~You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
~You drink to get over a hangover.
~You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much.

Really DUMB Laws Still on the Books

NEW YORK -
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
* The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

NEW JERSEY -
* You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only.
* In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

CALIFORNIA -
* It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
* Women may not drive in a housecoat.

FLORIDA -
* It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
* Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
THANK GOD!

OHIO -
* Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. * It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

KANSAS -
* Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear taillights.
* No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

OKLAHOMA -
* Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
* State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

ALABAMA -
* It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. * Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Really.

WISCONSIN -
* In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
* Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

VIRGINIA -
* It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
* Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

TEXAS -
* It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
* It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining a permit.
* A few years ago they removed the "needed killing" plea for murder cases.

ILLINOIS -
* It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police officer.
* Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

OREGON
* It is against the law to pump your own gas.

IOWA -
* Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
* One-armed piano players must perform for free.
* In Ottumwa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

WASHINGTON -
* It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag. I thought that was everywhere?
* People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

MASSACHUSETTS -
* Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
* It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

ARIZONA -
* It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.
* In Tucson, women may not wear pants.

ALASKA -
* Public flatulence carries a $100 fine.

ARKANSAS -
* The law against voter intimidation is written so that, if enforced, nobody would be allowed to vote: "No Person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 50 feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and certification of the counted returns."

GEORGIA -
* In Acworth, all households must own fishing poles.

LOUISIANA -
* It is illegal to bring a tiger over the state line without having it dipped. (Gov. Huey P. Long made the Ringling Bros. unable hold their show by enforcing this one)

WASHINGTON -
* In 1989, Senator Jim West proposed legislation to make it illegal for couples under 18 to engage in "heavy petting". It was killed the next year.

Pennsylvania -
* It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel... however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
* "Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

Michigan -
* A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

Kentucky -
* "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."
**An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."


Cities:

Los Angeles - * You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zion, Ill -
* It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

Carmel, N.Y. -
* A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

St. Louis -
* It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

Hartford, Conn. -
* You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

Baltimore, MD -
* It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Oxford, Ohio -
* It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Carrizozo, N.M. -
* It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP...

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@.. kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh!t, what the hell happened?"

Ladies...Wax is NOT our Friend!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the
site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it
be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined
enough to figure this out.(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the
best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no
longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair
and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want
to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up
the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE
WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom
of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do
I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt