Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: Help Wanted. Must be able to type. Must be good with a computer. Must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.

However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

In Tune

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "What??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and then tells his wife,

"We'll take all three of them".

Next they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

Finally they go to the jewelry department and get diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out) She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

Her face gets red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

Hunting Trip

Two Swedes - Sven & Ole got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Shopping with husbands

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.

Letter:
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Ambush

Believing in the Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Bathroom Closet

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community.

NUDE CALENDER!!

NUDE CALENDER

Single Woman

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"

Greetings From Detroit ~ Video

Greetings From Detroit ~ Video

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject And,
finally getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"



The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

They Are Still Men, After All

I gaze at the brilliant full moon.

The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.

They gasp with wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Night Off

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear: "Take off my dress...." "Now, take off my bra." "Next, remove my shoes and socks."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired."

New Women Seminars - Led by Men

After the bumper crop of seminars for women last week, the follow-up lessons begin today in the following subjects:

1) Silence, the final frontier -- where no woman has gone before.
2) The undiscovered side of banking: making deposits.
3) Man management: Minor household chores can wait until after the game.
4)Bathroom etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
Bathroom etiquette II: His razor is his.
5) Communication skills I: Tears -- the last resort, not the first.
Communication skills II: Thinking before speaking.
Communication skills III: Getting what you want without nagging.
6)Introduction to parking.
Advanced parking: Backing into a space.
7) Cooking I: Bring back bacon, eggs and butter.
Cooking II: Bran and Soy meat are not for human consumption.
Cooking III: How not to inflict your diets onto other people.
8) Dancing: Why men don't like to.
9) Household dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.
10) Integrating your laundry: Washing it all together.

Riddle Me This

Two people were crossing a bridge. One was the father of the other ones' son. What was their relationship?





(Scroll to bottom for the solution to riddle)
























Husband and wife.

Choking

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

The Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

Interview with an Honest Boss Video

Interview with an Honest Boss

One Of Our Friends

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

The Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

How To Please The Opposite Sex

Turn To Stone

Two boys named Billy and Joey sneak up to the window of a neighbor's house.

As they peek into the window they see the newly-weds that live there getting hot and heavy. The boys watch the show for a few minutes, when the husband takes the blouse off of his new bride.

Suddenly Joey jumps back with a horrified look on his face, and runs away as fast as he can.

Billy shrugs and goes back to watching the couple.

After about 20 minutes Billy finds Joey sitting on his porch looking a little shaken up, and asks him "What was that all about? Why did you take off like that, you missed a great show!"

To which Joey replies " My momma told me that if I ever watched anything like that I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!

Patriotic Dog

The Mannings

Very Funny Video

True Friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b@st@rd who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the he!! away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$$.


This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask....... Because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then ...
get depressed if you can only think of 4.

Remember.......

* A good friend will help you move!
* A REALLY good friend will help you move a body.
* Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Remote?

What to say to your wife to prevent such abuse!

Two Kids in a Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!

Impotent

Sex problems!

Stop Biting Your Fingernails

Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.

"Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.

The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been doing...."

Something my 4-year old Granddaughter would say.......

It was late at night and Susan, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 4-year old daughter, Samantha (Sammy).

Susan started going into labor and almost immediately was ready to deliver, so, in a panic, she called 911.

Due to a fiscal shortage at the time, only one paramedic was available to respond to the call. He asked Sammy to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see better while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Sammy did as she was asked. Susan pushed a couple of times, and Austin was born! The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him lightly to get him to breathe. Austin, of course, began to cry lustily.

The paramedic then thanked Sammy for her help and asked the wide-eyed 4-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed and Samantha quickly responded...

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

Wedding Vows

Promise to love and . . .

Birth Control

Most effective birth control?

Driving Test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Husband and Wife Problems

So I guess she's the blanket hog!

Income taxes

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

Big circle little circle

Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. The judge says that if they could get others to stop selling drugs over the weekend that they would be found innocent.

That monday the judge said to the first one how many people did you get to stop doing drugs? He replied 15. The judge said very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain after doing drugs.

The Judge said ok, how about you he said while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500 people to stop. The Judge said How in God's name did you get so many to stop. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle and said that the little circle was your asshole before jail.

Dog Eats Regrigerator Magnets

Meet the refrigerator holds up anything!

A Man's Mattress

Temperpedic has never been better
Do they have this in the woman's version?

The farting cuckoo clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Gender of a Computer

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

Who Needs a Jack?

New Car Jack System
This is Jill she can jack up your car!

Big game hunter

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"

Secret to Longevity

How else does one live so long?

Fishing with grandpa

This kid and his grandfather were going fishing one day and the grand father pulls out a cigar. At this time in the morning the bugs were really biting and so the kid asked his grandfather if he could have one. His garndfathers said, "Can you touch your ass with your dick?" The kid replied, "no." "Then no you can't", said the grandfather.

A little bit later in the day about noon Old Grandad pulls out a nice cold beer. This afternoon was particularly hot so the kid said, "hey grandad can I have one of those to cool me off?" "Can you touch your ass with your dick son?", the grandad replied "No", says the kid. "Then sorry but no", says the grandad.

After they finish fishing they stop at sheetz and ol' grandad buys some smokes and two lottery tickets. The kid asks, "Grandad can I have one of those lottery tickets?" Grandad replies, "Sure couldn't hurt."

Grandad scratches off his lottery ticket and yells, "Son of... goddamn waste of money... never win on these damn... ugh" The kid schratches off his ticket and yells in excitement that he won $10,000. Grandad says, "Thats great! $5,000 for you and $5,000 for me!" Kid asked his grandfather if he could touch his ass with his dick and the grand father replied, "Hell yeah!" Then the kid answered, "Good! Then you can go f**k yourself!"

All is well except for this woodpecker

Noah's Ark
Looks like he's doing it again!

Long hard and pink

"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher. "Were going to play a guessing game".

"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good". Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" "No I'm sorry its a banana but I'm glad to see your thinking"

"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees ". Little Fred says "Its a ball, "No its a apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".

Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it long and hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." "JOHNNY!" "That's inappropriate."

"It's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."

A Very Haunting Echo

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
. . . she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away......................

"We're down here ...."

Touchdown

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Touchdown, tie score." The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail.

He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits the bed.

The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time... switch sides."

How to Spot a Rich Guy

All Rich Guys Don't Look Like Brad Pitt

Courtroom Gaffes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A Bathroom Conversation

Two Men in a Toilet


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

... Hi, how are you?

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

... Doing Just fine

And the other guy says:

... So what are you up to?

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

... Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

... Can I come over?

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,

... No........I'm a little busy right now!

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

...Listen, I'll have to call you back?
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions"

New Invention Keeps You At The Bar

Great now the whole bar will smell like piss!

Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Smart ass answers

Smart-ass Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-ass Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-ass Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-ass Answer # 4
THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Keep your valuables safe during travel

The Hanes brief safe
Looks like he hit all five gears on this one!

Bank president's balls

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was herlawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"

She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."

Spend Quality Time with your Loved One

His and Hers
No more excuses!

Surgery

No longer angry

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F**k you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Tokyo Water Park

Towel Drop

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.

The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.

When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.

He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.

She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.

Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.

She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.

Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.

The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

Suicide Help Line

Happy New Year