Murphy's Nurses Laws
* When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
* Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
* A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
* It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
* You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
* In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
* The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
* As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
* The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
* Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
* The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
* You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
* The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
* The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
* You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
* When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
* When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
* Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
* Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
* You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
* Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
* As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
* If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
* Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
* Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
* The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
* The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
* The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
* The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
* If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
* Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
* When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
* Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
* The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
* The Nursing Catch-22:
If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
* You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.
* Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
* A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
* It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
* You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
* In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
* The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
* As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
* The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
* Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
* The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
* You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
* The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
* The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
* You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
* When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
* When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
* Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
* Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
* You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
* Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
* As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
* If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
* Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
* Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
* The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
* The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
* The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
* The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
* If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
* Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
* When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
* Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
* The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
* The Nursing Catch-22:
If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
* You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.
posted by D. Maria at 4:45 AM
<< Home