Murphy's EMT Laws
* Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is bad.
* Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
* You may not install a "car catcher" on the front of the ambulance.
* The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are.
* Examine all chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners.
* When dealing with citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was wrong.
* All bleeding stops... eventually.
* You can't cure stupid.
* If it's wet and sticky and not yours -- LEAVE IT ALONE !!!
* "Riding shotgun" does not mean you shoot the tires of non-yielding vehicles.
* If at all possible, avoid any edible item that fire fighters prepare.
* EMS is extended periods of boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
* Every emergency has three phases: PANIC... FEAR... REMORSE.
* A good tape job will fix almost anything.
* Yuppies involved in accidents complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
* It's not a compliment when Policemen say you're crude, crass & cynical.
* The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the weight of the patient.
* Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
* Schedule your days off to avoid working during full phases of the Moon.
* There is no such thing as a "textbook case".
* You've come to conclude 90% of all drunks are a waste of protoplasm.
* Never refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
* Automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had.
* Your social skills will be lacking, if all your anecdotes deal with blood.
* Assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise.
* Get very, very scared when a child is too quiet.
* Don't place bets on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient.
* You cannot institute a surcharge for unruly or surly patients.
* It is not necessary to have a pet name for your cardiac monitor.
* As long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security.
* Don't worry about the gunshot wound as much as dealing with the family.
* All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2: Always order food "to go".
* The Paramedical Laws of Time: There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
* The Paramedical Law of Gravity: Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
* The Paramedical Law of Time And Distance: * The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
* The Paramedical Rule of Random Synchronicity: Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
* The Rule of Respiratory Arrest: All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
* The Basic Principle For Dispatchers: Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
* The Basic Principle For Field Personnell: Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
* The Axiom of Late-Night Runs: If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking:
somebody is still missing.
* The Law of Options: Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
* Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
* You may not install a "car catcher" on the front of the ambulance.
* The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are.
* Examine all chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners.
* When dealing with citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was wrong.
* All bleeding stops... eventually.
* You can't cure stupid.
* If it's wet and sticky and not yours -- LEAVE IT ALONE !!!
* "Riding shotgun" does not mean you shoot the tires of non-yielding vehicles.
* If at all possible, avoid any edible item that fire fighters prepare.
* EMS is extended periods of boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
* Every emergency has three phases: PANIC... FEAR... REMORSE.
* A good tape job will fix almost anything.
* Yuppies involved in accidents complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
* It's not a compliment when Policemen say you're crude, crass & cynical.
* The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the weight of the patient.
* Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
* Schedule your days off to avoid working during full phases of the Moon.
* There is no such thing as a "textbook case".
* You've come to conclude 90% of all drunks are a waste of protoplasm.
* Never refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
* Automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had.
* Your social skills will be lacking, if all your anecdotes deal with blood.
* Assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise.
* Get very, very scared when a child is too quiet.
* Don't place bets on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient.
* You cannot institute a surcharge for unruly or surly patients.
* It is not necessary to have a pet name for your cardiac monitor.
* As long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security.
* Don't worry about the gunshot wound as much as dealing with the family.
* All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2: Always order food "to go".
* The Paramedical Laws of Time: There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
* The Paramedical Law of Gravity: Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
* The Paramedical Law of Time And Distance: * The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
* The Paramedical Rule of Random Synchronicity: Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
* The Rule of Respiratory Arrest: All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
* The Basic Principle For Dispatchers: Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
* The Basic Principle For Field Personnell: Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
* The Axiom of Late-Night Runs: If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking:
somebody is still missing.
* The Law of Options: Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
posted by D. Maria at 5:47 AM
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