Zipper

A teacher was showing a small boy how to zip up his coat.

"The secret," she said, "is to get the piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looked at her quizzically and asked quietly, "Why does it have to be a secret?"

Murphy's Military Police Laws

* Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
* If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
* Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
* When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
* Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
* Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
* If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
* Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
* The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
* The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
* No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
* If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
* The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
* The important things are always simple.
* The simple things are always hard.
* The easy ways are always blocked.
* The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
* Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
* When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
* Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
* It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
* If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
* No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
* No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
* The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
* Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
* Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
* Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
* The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
* You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
* If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
* The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
* The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
* The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
* Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
* Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
* You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
* Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
* Empty guns - aren't.
* Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
* The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
* Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
* Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
* Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
* Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
* Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
* Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
* Contrary to popular belief, O.C. *IS* an area effect weapon.

New pet

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured--what the heck, she hadn't found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me and you won't be sorry."

So the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

The prince then kissed the old lady back... and guess what the old lady turned into?

Come on, guess?



Ooooooohhhhhh come on.



She turned into the first motel she could find.

Murphys Law of Combat Operations

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
118. Mine fields are not neutral.
119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")
127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring,
he has fallen back too far.
129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long
138 Smart bombs have bad days too.
139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.
140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.

142. All or any of the Murphys Laws above combined.

$2 Bill

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this 50. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a 50. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that. You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way. This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only 7 o'clock. Well then, here's a $2 bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really ... tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some ... (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding. What?"

Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a 50."

Guard: "Oh, so the 50's fake."

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and ...

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please," but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah ... ?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

GREAT TRUTHS LEARNED

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . having money.
At age 70 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

Potato Story

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,'and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw??

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...

...a common tater.

Letter Home From A Marine

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail.

A few things to think about...

A few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

WOMEN DRIVERS of the YEAR

Wait...is this supposed to be funny ;)

"WOMEN DRIVERS of the YEAR" AWARDS

SIXTH PLACE:



FIFTH PLACE:



FOURTH PLACE:



BRONZE MEDALIST:



SILVER MEDALIST:



AND THE GOLD MEDAL WINNER IS...


Ummm -- for those of you who don't get this last one, she is wearing her
helmet backwards - strapped on and everything !! :-)

Late Night Phone Call

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here," and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol:

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
To do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan




P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

Military Rules for Non-Military Personnel

Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:

1. The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem .... kick their a$$.

2. When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest .... kick their a$$.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see someone doing otherwise quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their a$$.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be Special Forces and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your a$$ kicked.

5. If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir", stand back .... a Marine will kick their a$$.

6. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?". Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an a$$ kicking (children are exempt).

7. Roseanne Barr's singing the National Anthem is not a blooper .... it is a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your a$$ will be kicked.

8. Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her .... of course, failure to do either of these could earn you a severe a$$ kicking.

9. What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is traitor. Just mention her nomination for Woman of the Year, and get your a$$ kicked.

10. Do not try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our part of affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our Commander-in-Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call on the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your a$$ already.)

11. "Your Mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me .... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your a$$!

12. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commies!!! And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me .... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their a$$.

13. Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie, Squid, etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them and could get your a$$ kicked.

14. Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with your family and friends please remember that there are literally thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its a$$ kicked.

If You Can

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog.

Firefighter Pick-Up Lines...

1. Fireman have the longest hoses (I know, I know)
2. Want to see my tool?
3. It's long, hard and Pumps like a b@st@rd, but that's just the Truck
4. Wanna slide down my pole?
5. Can I hit your hydrant?
6. I could make you scream louder than the siren.
7 . Your hosebed or mine?
8 . Bet we could fit 2 in those bunkers.
9 . Care to see the hosebed?
10 . Firefighters are always in heat.
11 . I am on fire, you wanna stop drop and roll with me?

Job interview

A young graduate applied for a job. When she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," she replied. "But if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Are you sure that's what they told you?

She replied, "No they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary."

Divorced Barbie

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie :$19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95 and
Divorced Barbie: $299.95.

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbie's are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's jewelry, Ken's money, Ken's computer, and Ken's best friend...

TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

..10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

..9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

..8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

..7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

..6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

..5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

..4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

..3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

..2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

..1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."Hebrews."

Guys Beware!!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humour!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Professional Courtesy

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked the blonde driver for her license. As the driver dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.

"Ummm, what does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's small, square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go - I didn't realize you were a cop."

Military Terminology...

StrategyPage's Military Jokes and Military Humor

New Doctrinal Terms for the US Military:


New terms are developed everyday in the services. These new terms put things in their proper perspective. Most are eloquent and protect you in today's PC environment. Some are more apropro than others. Here are a few that are relevant in today's services....


40% REDUX RETIREMENT: The new retirement plan that will result in reduction of service (Army, Air Force, etc) manning to 40% of wartime requirements.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking the boss . . . he's 404, man."

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the battalion/wing level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

ASS-CLOWN: A leader who demonstrates comedy to effectively wow the seniors to believe he actually has operational knowledge of the task at hand. In actuality, he has no clue and truly doesn't understand the training criteria.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander. This process can be observed first-hand whenever senior field grade officers are near general officers.

AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY: The $16,308 a month paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.

BACK-STOP: A term used to cover a staff failure to properly wargame a course of action. Also a term used by infantry showing how "hope" is a method incorporated to defeat the enemy. "If the enemy gets through the engagement area, we have Delta Company placed here to back-stop the Battalion defense.

BE****LED: Confused, characterized by a state of genuine, profound disorientation; perpetual state of all Chemical units.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: An inordinate amount of cheese, not required to get necessary information communicated to another individual or group of individuals. Commonly associated with Canine and Equestrian Theater.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH: Short for "You know what I'm going to say anyway, so I'm not going to waste our time to actually say it." See also YADA YADA YADA or HOMINA HOMINA or HUMMA HUMMA HUMMA.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around the headquarters discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible. Typical activity among general staffs...

BONED: A term used in response to orders issued from a higher commander. As in "I am the counter-reconnaissance company and the battalion reserve at the same time - I got boned!"

BUTTLOAD: (updated) A large quantity. A lot. Used to refer to the number of vehicles in a recon cluster. Also refers to how much artillery is necessary to disable an enemy force.

CHAINSAW MET: A team brought in from a high headquarters to reduce your manpower authorizations, leaving the organization and unit leadership with clean hands.

CHEESECON: (Updated) Level of preparedness for a briefing or presentation that indicates the number (and rank) of officers attempting to wedge an OER bullet into a training exercise. The level of cheesecon generally increases exponentially the closer the exercise. The upper-limit of cheesecon is unknown and the high-water mark increases with each visit of an important foreign national or the National War College.

CHEESE-EX:The 542 slide briefing that results at the conclusion of the of MDMP that outlines what can be clearly said in a well-written paragraph (formerly known as the Commander's intent and/or concept of the operation). This is the Force XXI cause of the "Fog of War."

CHEETAH-FLIPS: The course of action development phase of the Military Decision Making Process (MDMP) in an imagined crisis environment (often replicated by headquarters during daily operations).

COMBINED ARMS: IAW FM 101-5-1 "The synchronized or simultaneous application of several arms, such as infantry, armor, artillery, engineers, air defense, and aviation to achieve an effect on the enemy that is greater than if each arm was used against the enemy in sequence." In the real world this means that an entire infantry battalion will be held in place to die at the hands of an angry Krasnovian with a mortar tube while the FSO diligently flips through a 100-page synch-matrix to determine the EFST for this particular sub-phase of the operation.

CRITICAL TERRAIN: Terrain that if not secured, grabbed, taken or camped out on - you are screwed. A new category to describe terrain in FM 34-130 (Critical - Decisive - Key).

CRM - Career Restricting Move: Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing core values or discussing civilian sector employment/pay scales while your commander is within earshot is serious CRM.

DECONFLICT: A polite term generally used the following way in briefings, "Yes sir, we need to deconflict that land piece for the occupation of the assembly areas." This actually means, "No sir, I did not think about the problem enough to realize that I couldn't fit the entire brigade into one square kilometer. Let me go unf*ck myself."

DEJA MOO: The feeling you've heard this bull**** before. Usually heard during USRs, QTBs, etc.

DICK DANCE: When two guys work together on a mission and never get it done because both of them want to lead.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. A common event in most organizations. derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man changed my leave schedule for the fourth time this month because his wife couldn't make up her mind."

DRIVE BY: (updated) The act of simultaneously fixing and bypassing an enemy unit. It is generally executed when some brilliant IOAC grad on brigade staff decides to send your battalion through a reinforced MRR. Meets both the destruction and bypass criteria given in the OPORD. May also refer to when a senior officer stops by your unit or motorpool.

FAN-OUT: A dismounted operation involving soldiers on the ground maximizing the amount of terrain they can cover or disperse over.

FLAIL-EX: Also known as the planning process.

FLEX: A really cool sounding non-doctrinal term used to maneuver a unit from one location to another. Used primarily when you don't have a clue where you are or how the hell to get to the new location.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe officers/NCOs who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.

GENERICA: Features of any service installation (Air Force base, Army post,..) landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the PX/BX, and the AMC pax terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."

GET UP AND HAUL ASS: A movement technique that requires all elements within the organization to cross the LD yesterday.

GETTIN' JIGGY WIT IT: A friendly oriented, offensive form of maneuver that simultaneously utilizes at least three maneuver elements.

GOOD IDEA WINDOW: Definition currently under revision. Formerly, this term was used to imply that events would not grow out of control at the last minute. Upon closer inspection by the division engineer, however, the 'window' has been discovered to be rusted open. In fact, nobody can even remember the last time they saw the window closed. Suggested definition: good idea fountain.

GUCCI MOVE: Altering Commander's intent, commander's guidance, or violating the fundamentals of reconnaissance or security operations.

HANG OUT: To establish a position characterized by a total lack of security, soldiers asleep in hammocks and a huge BBQ pit turning out chow. A task usually accomplished by Air Defenders.

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE: Group of words used to describe a possible COA that allows for no analytical thought and ensures a minimum 75% casualty rate.

HIT: Term for applying massed effects against the enemy. As in "First, we'll hit these guys over here. Then, we'll hit these guys and then the guys over here will be hit with asymmetrical dominance from assets from EAC.

HOP AND POP: Means to move about excitedly with no real purpose or direction. Used in one of two ways, 1) when being entirely overwhelmed by the enemy and the unit has lost all discipline and control. At this point individuals are expected to 'hop and pop' in an effort to keep themselves alive at the expense of all else. High rates of fratricide are the norm with this type of operation. 2) When senior officers show up on-site unexpectedly. Units are normally conducting 'TOC OPs' in this situation and the only recourse is for all parties to move about with stern looks and weapons/briefing slides at the ready in an attempt to make the visitor believe that something important is actually going on.

JUMP BACK OFF YOUR BAD SELF: The correct response to anybody pulling a "Gucci Move."

KABUKI DANCE: Deceptive movement technique used on the battlefield and/or creative verbiage used in briefings or explanations to higher headquarters. It is designed to baffle the enemy as to actual intent or axis of advance. Works to our advantage because foreign armies generally find it hard to believe that the American army could be so screwed up. In briefings, this dance normally entails use of such terms as 'flex, hop and pop, and EFST'. Common most among the Field Artillery and Division/Corps-level planners.

KICK-OUT: An armor technique used to employ light infantry to clear severely restricted terrain in order to allow the armor to pass.

KITCHEN SINK: More artillery support than you will ever see.

LAZE AND BLAZE: This is the execution portion of 'hop and pop.' while it implies a cavalier and competent use of tactical skills (eg using the BELRF and 25mm to maximum efficiency) it more accurately describes the act of simultaneously sluing the turret and mashing the trigger on any and all weapon systems in a desperate bid to kill something.

LETHAL/PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEVASTATING/PHYSICALLY OVERWHELMING: The definition is currently unclear. Believed to describe a rabid mole-rat that is rumored to be harassing senior members of the division staff.

LET'S ROCK BABY: Radio Communications proword for, "Guidons, this is Black 6, FRAGO follows, acknowledge, over."

MOP-UP: A term for the actions occurring just after you discover you are actually on the objective, in the enemy's fire sack, that implies a willingness to expose oneself to lethal fires.

OFFLINE: Yet one more term regularly heard in briefings. This term is used to convey a polite attitude towards another staff officer in order to spare everyone else in the meeting from having to endure staff-to-staff coordination. Usually when a briefer says, "That's a good point, let's talk about it offline," he is really saying, "Listen dickhead, you try to sharpshoot me in a meeting one more time I'm going to hit you so hard that I kill all your relatives."

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PAINT THE PICTURE: A term used to gather information and assess the situation. Usually asked by senior leaders to junior leaders. Usually invoked after the senior leader has gotten sleep and knows absolutely nothing of the tactical situation, while the battle captain has been up all night.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.

PHASE: Infantry term for "we don't know how to write paragraph three" of an Op Order.

POLICE-UP: An infantry operation to defeat the remaining enemy on an objective after Armor forces by-pass or attempt to avoid confrontation.

POUND THE **** OUT OF: Somewhere between disrupt and destroy and slightly more than neutralize. Typical Cavalry mission. One of several terms that vaguely refers to fighting the enemy. It is generally used in pep talks prior to the beginning of a battle. When used, it is a sure indicator that your unit is about to lose.

RECON CLUSTER: A large gathering of recon assets from several echelons of command. Normally given the task of observing an NAI the size of Texas, but kept together because nobody trusts the COLTs enough not to get lost. Command relationships for this element are normally ignored or muddled, allowing the element to commence TOC OPs.

RESOLUTION: Easily defined- this is a popular phrase because it sounds much better than its literal definition. To translate, just substitute the words "a f*cking clue" whenever you hear an officer speak of 'resolution.' Example: "No sir, we don't yet have resolution on how we are going to execute the deployment sequence." This equals: "No sir, we don't yet have a f*cking clue about how we are going to execute the deployment sequence."

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

SEAGULL COLONEL: A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and ****s all over everything.

SELFCON: This is when a junior commander (usually a captain) comes to the realization that his higher is completely clueless (perhaps even be****led) so he simply attaches himself and his command to another unit.

****LOAD: (updated) Double the quantity of a buttload. Used to refer to the number of vehicles in a BCT TOC, or BN UMCP. Also refers to a battalion-6 mission. An alternate use of this term is when a unit is being overrun. This allows the RTO to succinctly call in an accurate estimate of the enemy's size as he grabs his MRE and attempts to free himself from his sleeping bag.

SHOOT: A term that used to stand for the act of engaging another human being with some form of dangerous projectile. Now most commonly used to refer to the act of sending an e-mail to another staff officer. How it sounds, "Hey, I'll shoot that piece out to you on e-mail tomorrow." What it really means, "Hey, my life is so pathetic, and so far from warfighting, that I am going to spend tomorrow in front of an electronic display. While doing so, I will alternate my thoughts between convincing myself that I am doing something useful with daydreams about commanding an intergalactic starship that I control through my keyboard."

SQUIRREL-EX: The wargaming phase of the MDMP after all Cheetah-Flips are completed, briefed and refined. The Squirrel-Ex phase normally culminates with a massive PowerPoint briefing called a Cheese-Ex."

SUPER-DUPER PCI: Like 'laze and blaze', this definition implies a competent use of doctrinal troop leading procedures. What is really means is that the unit will cross the LD with no ammo, no antennas, three layers of hot gear, and 2 DOS of chow stuffed into every gas mask carrier.

SWEEP: A fluid, noncontinuous form of battlespace dominance, usually combined with zippin' around or getting' jiggy with it.

TAKE-DOWN: An aggressive former wrestling term used to describe your actions on the objective an inherent lack of regard for the enemy's capabilities.

TECHNIQUE: A noun, used in the phrase, "That's a technique." Translated, "That's a really f***ed up way to execute this operation and you will probably kill your entire unit. But if you want to do it that way, go ahead."

THE HAMMER: A cool operational term to impress a superior when describing the main effort.

TOC OPs: Term used to describe the actual priorities of work that will take place within any assembly area or TOC location. Priorities include, 1) build large and elaborate hooches 2) dig pit and gather wood for large bonfire area 3) eat/sleep. All soldiers conducting TOC OPs are expected to use white lens flashlights when maneuvering in the area. Helmets and protective masks are expressly forbidden. The outergarment will usually include a t-shirt or sleep shirt along with some form of do-rag, but should never include web gear or the BDU top. Security when conducting TOC-Ops will consist of sending the newest private, without a radio or ammunition, 300m out on the perimeter to provide early warning of any visits from higher headquarters. Radio watch will consist of one soldier asleep within ten feet of the radio. Upon compromise by higher HQ, all soldiers will immediately start hopping and popping.

TRIPLE-HULL DOWN: A term associated with force-protection, fratricide, and/or self-preservation. Used in order to prevent being fired on by friends when saying something really stupid, hiding from the boss who has a task that only you can fill, or covering your butt from being smoked by anyone.

WORK: Formerly a verb, used to refer to action and activity directed toward a specific goal or purpose, although in recent times the meaning of this term has degraded significantly. One will often hear this term in briefings (as with all excessive verbiage) in the context of "Yes sir, we need to work the logistics side of the exercise." What this really means, "Sir, I will execute at least one IPR and send out a minimum of 10 e-mail messages in order to cover my ass should this stupid issue that you brought up ever rear its ugly head again."

ZIPPING AROUND: An aviation movement technique in which the helicopters appear to fly around aimlessly at a high rate of speed impressing the ground combat troops with their speed and dash. Occasionally encompasses "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" and usually used in a zone reconnaissance.

Sightseeing

Two blonds are sightseeing in Italy, Rome, and are admiring the Coliseum.

"What a wonderful building," says the first.

"And won't it look great when it's finished," replies the other.

Texas Drinking Rules

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

Military Rules for Non-Military Personnel

Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:

1. The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem .... kick their a$$.

2. When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest .... kick their a$$.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see someone doing otherwise quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their a$$.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be Special Forces and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your a$$ kicked.

5. If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir", stand back .... a Marine will kick their a$$.

6. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?". Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an a$$ kicking (children are exempt).

7. Roseanne Barr's singing the National Anthem is not a blooper .... it is a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your a$$ will be kicked.

8. Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her .... of course, failure to do either of these could earn you a severe a$$ kicking.

9. What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is traitor. Just mention her nomination for Woman of the Year, and get your a$$ kicked.

10. Do not try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our part of affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our Commander-in-Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call on the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your a$$ already.)

11. "Your Mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me .... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your a$$!

12. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commies!!! And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me .... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their a$$.

13. Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie, Squid, etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them and could get your a$$ kicked.

14. Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with your family and friends please remember that there are literally thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its a$$ kicked.

Lucrative Writing Profession

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a press release, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money."

Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex. You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon."

Air Sick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Eye Examination Chart

Blondes in a Bikini Contest

(Can you notice what the blondes are doing wrong?)

Generous Millionaire

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking, and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

Splash. Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan - he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible. I never thought that I would ever see that done."

"Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the cars or planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what do you want?"

"I want the jerk who pushed me in."

You Know You Need a New Lawyer When...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand," and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord."

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Stand By Your Man...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Police Report

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Office Softball Team

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2005 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

Watch When You Drink

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

It's a Trap!

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

Classified Ad

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

Afternoon Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed... "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving" Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Overworked

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, iron-poor blood, but now I found out the real reason: we in the private sector are tired because we're overworked. Here's why:

The population of the US is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting in front of your computer reading jokes.

Pet Burial

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat."

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! !!... He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Bumper Stickers We'd Love to See!

18. If you can't feed 'em,

don't breed 'em!"

17. Jesus loves you...

but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...

Nature's way of saying

"No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...

they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...

some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...

You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...

but it broke off.

10. WANTED:

Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...

just because you have one,

doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...

I call these people...

"Everybody But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...

God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving?

Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...

I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...

It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!!


AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!

1. Welcome to America...

now speak English!!!!!!!!!!

Another blonde joke

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

Forgotten Glasses

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

New Apartment

Last night my girlfriend was rhapsodizing about her new apartment.

"It's so close to everything," she gushed. "It's even in walking distance to a gas station."

We were both silent for a few seconds, and then she quietly said: "That doesn't make sense, does it?"

I declined to answer.

Gay Flight Attendant

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big, scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us down on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, now."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

(MEN NEVER LISTEN)

Addicted to Coffee??

To see if you might be addicted to coffee, check the list below to see how many of these symptons you display.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Special Birthday Gift

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.' She should be back any time now..."

911 call

Two guys were hunting in the forrest when one had a heart attack, fell down and died.

The other guy diales 911 on his cell phone and told the gal that answered that his friend had just died.

The operator said not to panic, I can help you, but first we must make sure he is dead.

There was a long pause on the phone, then the operator heard a shot.

The hunter came back on the line and said "OK, now what?"

Funny Cat Problem

Where will he land?

Chivalry

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce.

"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

What's your Southern sign?

....
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.


....
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may suprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.


....
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're not satisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.


....
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.


....
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed.
Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.



....
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. .


....
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.


....
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.


..
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.



....
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.


....
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

....
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.