How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brew down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at
work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brew down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at
work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
posted by D. Maria at 4:53 AM
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