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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Snowman Robbery

Avoiding the headdache

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately feels like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."

All In a Day's Work

It was New Year's Eve, and the phone at our small post office rang constantly with people asking the postal clerk if there would be mail delivery that day. To put a stop to the interruptions, the clerk had the local radio station announce that there would be mail delivery.

He had a few moments' peace after that, until the phone interrupted. "I just heard on the radio that there will be mail delivery today," the voice on the other end said. "Is that true?"

Friday, December 30, 2005

The love dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

Funny Street

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.nt to answer the p

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!

Redneck Luxury Homes

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Skiing Trip

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have intercourse with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Pigeon Boy

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
ded,
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, respon "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Net Chat

Monday, December 26, 2005

The boy and his pin

A little girl is in sunday school and she falls asleep. When she is sleeping the teacher asks "Who created heaven and earth?". No one answer and a little boy behind the girl pulls out a pin and pokes her in the ass. She wakes up and says Lord all Mighty, the teach says it is correct.

The little girl falls asleep again when the teacher asks "Who gave his life for our sins?". No one answer and the boy behind the girl pulls out his pin again and pokes her in the ass. She wakes up and screams Jesue Christ. The teacher says it is correct.

The little girl falls asleep again when the teach asks "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?". No one answers and the boy pulls out his pin again and pokes her in the ass. She wakes up and says 'Dammit, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I will break it and stick it up your ass.'

Nail Bang

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas



Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my butt for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady gripes cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!


Author Unknown

Jokes that comics have told to U.S. troops during USO shows overseas:

"This Army grub doesn't agree with me. So far I've had five MREs (Meals Ready to Eat), and none of them seems to have an exit strategy."

- Al Franken, Iraq, 2005

On seeing bombed-out buildings at a U.S. base in Afghanistan: "We're here for the renovations. This week on This Old Bunker..."

— Robin Williams, Afghanistan, 2003

"Everything is going up at home: prices, taxes and miniskirts. Miniskirts are bigger than ever. Even some of the fellas are wearing them. Don't laugh! If you had thought of it, you wouldn't be here."

- Bob Hope, South Vietnam, 1971

"The men (here) wear long robes and the women are completely covered. The wedding nights are full of surprises, I'll tell you that."

Funny Reindeer

Rudolph Sudden Stop

Saturday, December 24, 2005

A helping hand

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Lost Job

Friday, December 23, 2005

The intelligent parrot

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" The guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" He says, "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" Asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."

Japanese Restaurant

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Doing the dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!!"

Iraqi Scud Missle Launch

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The marriage test

I was really happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that as my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the
front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car...

Hot Dog

Hot Dog

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Be strong my love

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

Hair Dryer for the Mrs

Monday, December 19, 2005

Country club genie

A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"

Funny Gym

Sunday, December 18, 2005

13 things to do at Walmart

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in houseware," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

Fish Learn Irony

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Thank You Letter

Someone who teaches at middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 years old and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I said, "Hell no!"

Ah, life is good.

Sincerely,
Edna

Funny Evaluation

Friday, December 16, 2005

Teaching manners

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Highway Alert Creamed

Thursday, December 15, 2005

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

Canadian Navy

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Ultimate poopie list

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.

Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of your rectum so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same time chronically burns your tender poop chute.

Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.

The Girlie Poopie- The people that think their poopie doesn't
stink..

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public rest-room, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golf ball-sized pieces are still floating on the water..

The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.

The Show-and-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with your own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too

The Wipers Nightmare- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging.

Ambush Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.

Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.

He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circles on the back of your legs for all to
see.

The "What Crawled Up Your Butt & Died?" Poopie- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The Snake Charmer Poopie- A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Ritual Poopie- This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Ranger Poopie- A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Premeditated Poopie- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

The Porridge Poopie- The type that comes out like toothpaste, and justkeeps on coming. You have two choices: 1) Flush and keep going. 2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there helpless.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Poopie- An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot poopie.

The Peek-A-Boo Poopie- Now you see it, now you don't! This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

The Mood Enhancer- This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The "I Think I'm A Bunny" Poopie- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Poopie- When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop shoot on the way out in the morning.

The Honeymoon's Over Poopie- This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.

The Groaner- A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Energizer Poopie- "Still Going!"

The Crowd Pleaser- This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Cliffhanger- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it's going to smear all over the place.

The Back-To-Nature Poopie- This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. Beware of poison ivy wipes.

The Aftershock Poopie- This poopie has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

The Terminator- You poopie so hard you fall off the toilet.

T2- More extreme then The Terminator, you require some medical assistance to restart your heart. Clear!

The Cowboy- You've got to poopie so bad that you proceed to buck and holler until finally the poopie's been tamed.

The Runner's Poopie- Experienced by long distance runners who don't want to stop so they poopie in their shorts. (inspired by Jeff Reigal of BadAxe, MI)

Poopszopherenia- Fear of poopie-ing, can be fatal!

The Pool Poopie- Usually performed by younger children. It's too much fun in the pool so why get out? Makes a great floatie toy afterwards!

Painter's Poopie- You're up on the scaffolding and it takes to long to get down so you just cramp it and wait.

Lost Poopie- That's when there's a poopie in the urinal.

Billabone

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Girl and Her Grandpa

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

BIG

Monday, December 12, 2005

My son's more successful than yours

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks he has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Bad Bunny

Sunday, December 11, 2005

History of the Telephone

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber network.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Birth of Technology

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway."

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'."

Friday, December 09, 2005

Game Warden's Stop

A game warden pulls his motorboat up along side a man sitting quietly with a pole in his hand.

"Doing a little fishing, are we?" the warden says.

The man, painfully aware of his lack of a fishing license answered, "No sir. Just drowning worms."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Credit Card

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I hadn't signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Bathroom Scale

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?"

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Dying Confession

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent, "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother."

"I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "relax, let the poison work."

Monday, December 05, 2005

Small Bill to Pay

A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it but next month he got another one stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a glitch and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they would take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.

So he thought he had a solution. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check has caused the program to abort. We are closing your account."

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Pun Central

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A famous Norwegian explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pregnant

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat."

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Friday, December 02, 2005

Top ten things men understand about women

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Thursday, December 01, 2005

Language Barrier

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a party and met a pretty co-ed. He attempted to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do y'all go to school, lil lady?"

The co-ed was not impressed with his grammar or drawl, but did answered anyway, "Yale."

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?"


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